Ta Da!
Analytical
Reason #5: Every Region Favors its own Method of Suicide
Here's the deal.
There are regional variations in how people drive. People in a certain
area all drive pretty much the same way. Let me give some examples.
There's a highway
in central California (the 5) that for large stretches consists of
two lanes going north and two going south. Many trucks use this road
to haul truck stuff from place to another. These trucks go somewhat
more slowly than the cars that drive the same road. They stick to
right lane unless passing one another.
So here's
the I-5 game you need to play if you are a car traveling this road.
Step 1: Drive very fast. The speed limit is 70. Try never to dip below
this. Step 2: Get in the right lane and drive very fast until you
almost hit a truck going more slowly than you. Step 3: Dart - at the
last possible second - into the left lane where there is a line of
cars approximately a mile long going 70 mph with an average distance
between them of 6 feet. Step 4: Cause all the other cars in the mile
long line to hit the brakes as they accommodate you shoving into line.
Bonus points if you can cause one of the cars in the line to drive
off the shoulder because he didn't have enough space to slow down.
Move over into the right lane again and go very very fast. Repeat
for 500 miles.
The net result
of this game is that most of the time people drive through Central
California playing this game (it's very important if you are in the
left lane not to leave enough space for the cars on the right to dart
over at the last second and to hit the brakes because you're all surprised
and even shocked! at the darting behavior) and nothing of real interest
happens. And then - when there's an accident - 47 cars pile up. If
there's bad weather, 147 cars pile up. This is the preferred method
of suicide on that stretch of interstate 5.
There is a city
in South America (unfortunately I forget which one) where the game
is to drive extremely fast in heavy city traffic with almost no following
space. The result of this is that traffic in this humongous city (Bogota
maybe?) moves very quickly. Also, about one out of 6 drivers there
gets in an impressive wreck there every year. That's their preferred
method of suicide.
In Germany, apparently
they prefer the Autobahn as a the favored method of suicide. Either
you get where you're going very quickly or you get to heaven just as
fast. In some parts of Italy that I witnessed they try to kill themselves
and each other by driving on the sidewalks and sometimes over pedestrians.
In some parts of Asia, people prefer to attempt suicide with bicycles,
Vespas, or other motorbikes.
Some places
have an aversion to turn signals. Others to slowing down. I
have heard that in some parts of Greece it is considered unusual to
stop under any circumstances. In some places, people rarely make a right
turn from the right lane but cut a wide swath from the left one. In
some places, one way street signs are a suggestion that the savvy don't
take seriously. Every place has its own regional driving customs.
These can
be very specific from highway to highway, street to street, even from
one section of the road to another. In Los Angeles, people
drive the 405 differently from the way they drive the 101. On the 405
it is considered to bad form to allow another driver to change lanes.
There is a street in my neighborhood where it is considered absurd to
actually drive with your eyes open in an awake state. The more frequent
pattern is for people to drift slowly back and forth across all areas
of the road as though practicing now to be an 80 year old driver later.
On some highways, people feel an intense need to crowd at the off-ramp
so that what is supposed to be one lane becomes three as people jockey
like sharks for an opportunity to cut ahead in line.
I lived
for awhile in Austin Texas where there was a road (I-35) with an extremely
interesting form of regional suicide. The on-ramps to this
freeway were approximately 3 1/2 feet long. There were two lanes on
the bottom of the freeway and two lanes on top (why? I ask you why?).
People driving on the bottom lanes where the on-ramps were 3 1/2 feet
long were compelled by federal law to zoom along at 75 mph in the right
lane so that people getting on the freeway could experience the thrill
of trying to go from zero to 75 mph in 0.08 seconds while hearing the
high-pitched whine of massive boxes of steel whizzing by mere inches
from their heads. You either made it on the freeway or everyone was
dead.
What does
this have to do with you??? The answer my friend, is that the
drivers in your area are the absolute worst in the entire world because
they are following their own peculiar regional form of
mass suicide. I don't know what it is in your area. If
you live near Boston, it is one wild and crazy form of attempted suicide.
If, on the other hand, you live in Wyoming, people are trying to kill
themselves in a traditional Wyoming fashion.
When
the area you drive in or through picks a regional form of suicide that
is not to your personal taste - then truly you are in Regional
Driving Hell. What the people in your area do is dangerous
and insane and annoying & counter to all normal forms of courtesy
and good sense; it is irritating, counter-intuitive, unacceptable, indicative
of the decline of society in general, a clear sign of the coming apocalypse,
and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Here's the thing.
Everybody drives that certain irritating, rude, asshole way in that
area because that form of driving works in that area. This
is unfortunate but it's real. Human beings clump and imitate each other
and get themselves in crowded situations and the only way for them to
survive and function is for them all to do the same thing even if that
same thing is foolish or not very much fun. Drivers in your area don't
signal turns because, for whatever reason, signalling a turn only slows
them down or messes them up. People cheat and crowd to get off the beltway
because - if they do that they get off the beltway faster. They don't
let people change lanes - because if they do, they'll never reach their
destination. People drive 80 mph up to a truck in the right lane and
then dart at the last minute because if they don't the right lane goes
to waste and they'll never get out of central California.
As dangerous, insane,
rude, and unsconscionable as the drivers in your area are - what they
do works. The only drawback is that it kills people, causes accidents,
ties up traffic, or exacts some other cost. But people, meaning
you specifically, cannot change this Regional Driving Variation because
everyone would have to change all at once in order for an improvement
to be effective. And since that's not going to happen, any
individual that doesn't drive according to the Regional Variation suffers
because - the asshole thing that everyone else is doing actually works.
You, my friend,
are truly stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is where you get
full credit and deserve to piss and moan and whine or whatever other
self-pitying activity strikes your fancy. Because when you are in Massachusetts
- you need to drive like a Masshole - and unless you are a couple beers
short of a 6-pack, you will. You just have to succumb and drive
like the rest of them and then hope you don't die. Either that
or you have to screw up the system for everyone else by driving differently
and hope you don't die.
We are all of us
at the mercy of the behavior of masses of strangers we don't really
like or trust (although some of them might be all right if you met them)
and that's the way it is. Perfectly nice people will drive like Massholes
or whatever colorful name suits your Regional Variation. (My dad calls
his Regional Bad Drivers 'Peckervillians'.)
It may seem stupid
but the laws that govern driving behavior are very rigid. They are impersonal,
objective, psychological, and not something you can do much about. You
can sometimes effect something of a change by redesigning the road.
But the truth is, human beings are notoriously terrible at designing
roads so good luck expecting relief there.
So here's what you
do. You print out this page and you wave it in front of people shouting
'Here is objective proof that the ___________ drivers are the worst
in the entire world! Ah hah! I knew it! It's been proven. They do all
act like assholes and at least the drivers in Bogota drive fast! (Or..here
is objective proof that drivers in some areas actually USE their turn
signals.) Etc. Because it's all true. You really are right. People in
other areas really do not drive like the assholes in your area.
Of course if you
were to move to another area they would drive like assholes in a different
way. But perhaps it would be a form of Regional Suicide that you personally
would find thrilling, fulfilling, or convenient. You can always dream.
In the meantime, rest assured, we have scientifically proven that for
Five Very Analytical Reasons, the drivers in your area
are indeed the worst in the world.
Peace and may god
be with you on your future driving journeys.
prettyfedup.com