The quiz
is simple to play! Or take! Or not take! Or read! Or ignore! It's
a simple quiz!
Question
#1: The correct stance on "Free Speech" for a Conservative
is:
a) in favor
b) against
Question
#2: The correct stance on "Free Speech" for a Liberal is:
a) in favor
b) against
Now it's time
to score your answers on the first 2 questions. Congratulations,
you are wrong! The correct answer for both temperaments is: I
am in favor of free speech unless it bothers me, in which case I am
completely and virulently against it.
Conservatives
are vaguely in favor of free speech when they are doing the speaking
and somewhat enjoy it when they can beat up the Liberal doing the
speaking. In all other cases, it's dangerous! Nevertheless,
as long as you can ignore it and immerse yourself in Bible studies,
it's somewhat tolerable. If immersing yourself in Bible studies does
not allow you to ignore it - well then it's a big fat problem.
Liberals
are passionately in favor of free speech when they are doing the speaking.
They find it amusing when the Conservative doing the speaking
is not too stupid or is basically harmless. The minute that free speech
begins to cause them pain, though, watch out! They are passionately
against it. Moments ago, I read about a liberal who did not
want to allow business owners to put up pictures of the president
in their places of business because, you know, like some people were
upset about the election and he just thought it was really upsetting
to have pictures of the president on people's walls. This
is the Liberal aversion to pain gone wild and if Liberals
ran the world nobody would be allowed to have any unless they cleared
it through a Liberal agency and free speech could kiss its pain-inducing
ass goodbye.
Bottom
line - everybody hates free speech when someone bad is doing the talking.
Question
#3: The correct Conservative stance on 'Stem Cell Research' is:
a) It's good!
b) It's bad!
Question
#4: The correct Liberal stance on 'Stem Cell Research' is:
a) I love it!
b) I hate it!
Now it's time
to rate your answers. Very good! You are getting the hang
of this. You wisely saw that the correct Conservative response
to the issue of Stem Cell Research is - it's dangerous!
Unless a member of my personal family or circle of attachments may
benefit from it in which case it is my right to advocate for it. That's
my family you're talking about and if it's good enough for Nancy Reagan
it's good enough for me.
You had a little
more trouble with the nuances of the Liberal answer. You saw that
the correct Liberal response to Stem Cell Research is to love
it! But you missed the part about unless you are a very Liberal
Liberal in which case you are sure to perceive that some poor, disenfranchised
embryo, or embryo donater, is probably being exploited and made to
suffer all kinds or disfiguring pain as a result of being exploited
and everything by those big business exploiters and the male establishment
and all that stuff. You know like that and everything. But the average
Liberal envisions a happy utopia of pain-free embryos and happy embryo
donaters working in harmony to create a happy pain-free world for
all!
Question
#5: The correct Conservative response to the question "Can people
who have never heard of Jesus Christ go to heaven?" is:
a) Hell no! Get
it, heh heh 'hell' no! Get it, 'hell', they're going to hell, heh
heh, get it, get it?
b) Yes, if they
belong to an accredited religious religion and have paid the dues,
performed the ceremonies, been baptized, and generally followed the
rules of said accredited religion.
Question
#6: The correct Liberal response to the question "Can people
who have never heard of Jesus Christ go to heaven?" is:
a) Yes, they can.
God, and specifically Jesus, accepts people of all faiths and nationalities
based on the quality of their lives and hearts. To declare that individuals
who have never heard of Christianity are automatically consigned to
hell is to imagine a God so cruel, so capricious, so fundamentally
injust and immoral as to have no real meaning.
b) No. There is
no heaven. God either doesn't exist or doesn't use a juvenile concept
like 'heaven'. True heaven is contacting the source, the spiritual
source from which we all spring and which is within us, without the
intermediary of a figurehead such as Jesus or Mohammed. Such peace
is available to all and need not be delayed until after death but
can be accessed through proper techniques of eliminating pain and
negativity from one's life and heart until the true pain-free nature
of the Universe is revealed in all its immanent glory. Or something
like that.
Time to rate your
answers! Congratulations, you did very well again. This time
you correctly guessed that the Liberal response is both of the above.
You fell down a little on the Conservative side. The first
response is indeed correct if you are a Christian conservative. The
second response is not correct if you are a Christian conservative.
If you are a Muslim
conservative however the correct response is that the Christian infidels
are going to hell! If you are a Buddhist conservative the
correct response is that Christians will not be freed from the bondage
of unenlightenment until they get enlightened enough to realize how
stupid they are. If you are an atheist Conservative then
heaven is for wussies, wimps, and Liberals. There is no heaven
you moron! There is only the ever-present struggle for measly
existence in the face of overwhelming dangers and the rapacious brutal
nature of mankind, plundering with selfish wanton through all eternity
while the majestic, heroic, and yet ultimately self-sacrificing beacon
of reason tries to guide us past the slippery shoals of Liberal fallacy.
Or something like that.
Question
# 7: Which car is morally superior - a Toyota Prius or a Hummer?
Okay - that was
a gimme. If you are Liberal a Prius is superior because it saves precious
natural resources, the lack of which and the greedy of exploitation
of which by vicious hate-mongering American big business capitalists
is responsible for a vast percentage of all the pain existing in the
world today!
If you are a Conservative
a Hummer is morally superior because it allows you to protect your
family against roadside danger by running over it. Who cares about
the pain of whatever it is you run over? Pain is irrelevant. Also,
Hummers are like really huge and everything and that's totally cool
and luxurious and also really handy if you're a big fat obese American
who cannot fit into a Prius.
Bonus
Pop Question: Why is Michael Moore, notorious American liberal, so
fat??
Bonus Pop Answer:
Because he eats too much.
Question
#8: If you are a Liberal, the correct way to describe President George
W. Bush is:
a) a moron
b) a big fat liar
c) morally reprehensible
d) a big fat lying
chimpanzee of a morally reprehensible moron
e) there is no
correct way to describe this President, there are only fantasies of
exile to a foreign country and wistful longings for physical annihilation
of the entire administration
Question
#9: if you are a Conservative, the correct way to describe President
George W. Bush is:
a) a good leader
b) someone with
strong moral values
c) Commander in
Chief and you don't diss the Commander in Chief unless the Commander
in Chief is a Liberal in which case it doesn't count because everybody
knows Liberals are not good Commanders in Chief
d) a traitor to
a fair number of deeply cherished Conservative principles such as
a balanced budget
e) better than
a Democrat
Okay,
I'll admit it, that question was too easy and they're getting easier.
The correct answers are - Question 8 - all of the above.
Question 9 - any of the above.
Question
#10: Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, and President Bush routinely deny
saying things they said and meaning things they meant because:
a) They are Conservative.
b) They are human.
The correct answers
are b) and they swear they've never done that even if they have.
Question
11: Conservatives are opposed to gay marriage because
a) the Bible says
that marriage is between a man and a woman and homosexuality is an
abomination to the Lord
b) All Conservatives
are secretly gay and this freaks them out big time
The correct answer
here is b). All Conservatives are secretly so horny that, if left
to their own devices, and not restrained by a harsh sexual morality,
they would basically fuck anyone and anything all the time. If your
sexual desires were so voracious and destructive, you'd have to rely
on a harsh sexual morality too. It is no wonder Conservatives preach
abstinence - anything else potentially sends them into the
spiraling pit of unmitigated depravity. If you don't believe
me, read St. Augustine's memoirs.
Question
12: Liberals favor gay marriage because:
a) they are all
faggy gay-lovers
b) sex is honestly
not that big a deal for them even while they are engaging in it.
Once again, the
correct answer is b). Even the horniest of Liberals, such as former
President Clinton or John F. Kennedy does not have the sexual chops
of a standard issue Conservative. Liberals secretly think sex is 'just
fun' and they experience nothing near the fierce attachments Conservatives
do - to anything. A happy Liberal is either promiscuous or too lazy
to be promiscuous but it's not that big a deal either way. Liberals
do not understand sex, its awesome destructive power, its primal connections
with possessiveness, rage, danger, ownership, power, decadence, and
sloth. If they did, they wouldn't take it so lightly. But they don't.
So Liberals, throughout history, tend to dismiss the importance
of restraining the ugly sexual desires of Conservatives.
Besides, denying desire, however mild it may be, is kind of painful.
And Liberals don't like pain. So why not indulge!
We could talk
about the depraved sexual desires that go along with the conservative
temperament forever and maybe one day we will. But now let's turn
out attention to another fun subject. Attacking the American
south with vitriolic, intolerant intensity. Southerners love to be
attacked! It gives them a chance to attack back with their
own vitriolic, intolerant Conservative intensity. This will be so
much fun!
Attacking
the south for fun and profit or why God really did vote for George
W. Bush!
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