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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Boring men...and the women who love them...

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Am I a boring guy? The kind chicks always overlook while they are throwing themselves at the 'bad boys'? I ask because women act like I'm invisible while they crowd around some hotshot jerk that's going to treat 'em badly and then blow them off. I don't understand that. I feel like I know how to treat a women well. But some of my friends say my problem is that I might be too 'boring.' Is that such a terrible thing? I think I am just a regular, down-to-earth person with a steady job and a decent personality. And I don't want one of those neurotic women that is always cooking up some 'relationship problem.' But I can't seem to find anyone that I really click with. Is there hope for us 'boring guys'?

The answer to your first question is yes, you are a boring guy. We can tell by the fact that this was one of the wishy-washiest rants a person could possibly come up with. This is You're not even pretty fed up. You didn't use a single swear word! This is the fucked up website. You don't think you're fucked up and you're not even willing to commit to a bold opinion that neurotic women with relationship problems are fucked up. For God's fucking sake man get a goddamn opinion on something!

All right. I'd tell you to brush the tears from your eyes as you confront the brutal truth about how unacceptably boring you are. But you don't have any tears in your eyes because you're too fucking boring to generate them! So we'll skip that part and go a totally irrelevant pop quiz.

Irrelevant Pop Quiz:

Question #1: Are you the kind of easygoing person who never really gets mad about things?

Question #2: Do you think about things like 'financial security'?

Question #3: Do you really like food, particularly food that you personally are eating?

Question #4: Are you going bald but too lazy to do anything desperate to conceal it?

Question #5: When people are upset, do you try to calm the situation down by changing the subject, putting the problem in perspective, or encouraging them in various ways not to be upset any more?

Question #6: When people ask you how your day was, do you respond by telling them what happened during it?

Question #7: Does it make you uncomfortable when people try to talk about 'things' as opposed to events, recent purchases, or concrete plans to mow the lawn next Saturday?

Question #8: When someone asks you how a movie was do you tell them the whole plot?

Question #9: Do you have deep feelings for your dog?

Question #10: Do you slightly disapprove of people who not as stable and placid as you, who have problems, get excited, seem aggressive, or pursue foolish plans?

Question #11: Are you looking for someone who will really love you because nobody ever has, not really, not enough?

Question #12: Are you sincere, and possibly even kind-hearted?

Okay, great. Now it's time to tally up your score on the Irrelevant Pop Quiz. Your score: All your answers to the above questions were wrong!

Excellent. Now you are a Certified Boring Guy as opposed to being someone who might be boring if anyone actually paid attention. The certification process has greatly enhanced your prestige. You could actually print out a certificate to place on your cubicle wall at work to show off your recent accomplishment except that I haven't provided one for you.

So we'll skip to answering your last question which is whether or not there's hope for you. The answer is yes, there are 2 kinds of hope for you. Hope #1 is that you'll get less boring. This is unlikely but possible.

Hope #2 is that you will meet the kind of woman you need, match up with her, and continue your boring existence into contented eternity. This is probably more likely so we'll concentrate on that first.

What kind of woman should a boring guy like you be looking for?

You are looking for a woman who doesn't like these three things:

1) Life

2) Other People

3) Herself

That should do it. In other words, you are looking for a neurotic woman who is always cooking up some sort of relationship drama, whether the relationship is with her mother, with you, or with those annoying Other People where she works. You are looking for massive, incurable, subterranean Insecurity.

Of course this is exactly the kind of woman you have been avoiding. You have been avoiding these women because what you have actually been looking for is someone who will cure your boringness problem. You have been looking for someone who is bright, and eager, and well-adjusted, who likes life, herself, and Other People. Someone who's kind. Someone with a lot to give.

Women like this don't like you. They don't have any interest in you. Why would they want to share their love of life, or sex, or romance, or ambition, or Other People with someone like you who is just going to suck it into a voracious maw of boringness and turn it all into a bunch of stuff that doesn't matter very much? The answer is, they wouldn't. You think these people will pull you up into some sort of sparkly, more impressive existence, but the reality is that you will just drag them down. You will take their hopes and dreams and turn them into a dry list of events, purchases, and meals. You will take their ambitions and sympathies and turn them into trivialities and practical considerations. You will take their attempts at conversation and turn them into awkward silences. You will take their problems and turn them into something they shouldn't have. You will take their temporary obstacles and turn them into dead ends. You will take their need for mirroring, support, and sympathy and turn them into lonely isolation. Women like this don't even look at you because you are not worth seeing.

On the other hand, there are women out there who are perfect for you. What you need is a woman who has all the emotion you lack but who doesn't like it very much. You don't like emotion yourself, you avoid it, and you try to make it go away one way or another. What you need is a woman who has a lot of it that she wants to go away. You are looking for a woman who is desperate to get rid of the emotions she has, because she doesn't like them very much. Someone who doesn't like herself very much and therefore is extremely and consistently grateful for someone who will try to make her not be like herself. You think emotion is a problem and you try to solve it. You need someone who agrees with you but can't solve it. You don't need someone kind. You need someone who hates everybody but will be kind and loyal to you because you support her. You need someone who is afraid of everybody else which makes you look like a deliriously, gloriously safe haven. You want someone with no ambition, who will feel safe and secure in your little world. You don't want someone who is interested in life - that will just make her want to talk about it all the time - you want someone who doesn't like it and who therefore considers a detailed conversation about the dishwasher a gift from heaven. Someone who wants to avoid the things they're scared of by fussing over you!

This is the type of person who will stick to you like glue providing years of loyalty, comfort, companionship, and boring conversation. People who have nothing but a deep, persistent underlying feeling of dislike and distaste for everyone and everything have a tremendous need to love something deeply. Just like everyone else. Everyone else, however, has more opportunities to express it. People like your dream woman don't - and are therefore going to bundle it all up and lavish it exclusively on you! This is a much better deal than anything else you have been looking at. People like this hide their deep ability to love under a facade, but they are desperate to have one safe place where they can rip off the facade and reveal themselves for the pitiful, shivering, insecure, weak and overwhelmed person they are. Give them this place and they will do anything for you.

How do you spot someone like this?

Look for someone who blows their extremely trivial problems all out of proportion, who flaps their arms desperately as they unsuccessfully try to calm themselves down, trying pathetically to hide their discomfort and embarrassment.

You want someone who can generate a lot of problems, so you can solve them, and earn their gratitude. You want someone who appears weaker than yourself because you are not all that strong yourself and you could certainly use the ego boost. You want the problems to be small and meaningless because a) you can't actually solve big problems; and b) it fits your style in which you minimize all problems into boring non-problemness.
The key here is small problems and small dreams. This is exactly what you want. You want a cozy home, financial security, not too much strain on your brain, and not to have to hassle with all the pressure of big hopes and wants and ideas and feelings and so on.


So what you want to avoid is the other kind of woman you have been attracted to - the one with the big problems, the big dreams, and perhaps the big compassion. The kind of neurotic women you referred to above rather than the kind you should be going out with. You have been attracted to these women in the hopes of rendering them a mighty service by turning their actual big problems into non-problems by boring them out of existence. You have been trying to do them a favor and help them out of their unhappiness by killing their big dreams. This won't work.

In the process, you have actually just been driving them crazy, making them want to kill you, and inadvertently forcing them to act even more neurotic than they would otherwise choose to. What people with big problems and big dreams want is an acknowledgement of the size, scale, and importance of their concerns. You're not going to give them this. They're going to hate you. They're going to try to get it from you. You're not going to give it to them. They're going to try harder until they are practically pulling out a knife and stabbing something with it in an attempt to get a response out of you which you will not give. Then you will label them neurotic. And most probably decide that they weren't capable of love anyway. This isn't helpful for either one of you. Forget about it.

Steer clear of the restless, the passionate, and even the very kind or big-hearted. Stick instead to the agitated, the mildly nervous, the mildly critical, the mildly catty, the mildly judgmental, the mildly incompetent, the uptight, the overconcerned, and the people who make a big deal out of the fact that they ordered lavender napkins for the shower but the actual napkins turned out to be violet instead. This is the kind of problem that you can handle, that you can soothe, by pointing out that it isn't one. Look for someone with the time and personality to get upset about this kind of shit.

Don't look for compatible interests, look for compatible emotional styles. The women you are seeking may be nice, or socially accomplished, or good-looking, or well-liked, or admirable in about 16,000 ways. But you need to pick up the hint of neurotic uptight bitch beneath their social facade.

That bitchiness inside themselves that they don't like and can't control is exactly what is going to make them love you. You've been looking for the kind and kind-hearted because you personally have some kind-heartedness and more importantly you need a lot of it yourself. This has been attracting you to the wrong people. The person who is going to be kindest to you is the one who always feels guilty because she never quite feels kind enough about anyone else. The ones who are kind to everyone will be kind to you but it will be because they think you are pathetic. That's not a good deal for you!

The big-hearted woman who rescues dogs from the dog shelters and finds them homes and nurses them and so on and who appears so confident and capable when in her element and who has that great flaming red hair and those exotically curvy legs beneath her jeans - yeah you're attracted to her because you feel a bit like an abandoned dog yourself and you long for someone just like her. But after about 3 months with you she's going to wonder why you don't share her passion or depth of feeling for not just dogs but anything. She's going to look for someone who cares, who has passion. She's going to say sayonara and head off with an asshole lawyer who argues with every single thing she says. Because when he argues it makes it seem like he's arguing because what she says is important. Whereas you don't treat anything she says or does or feels as important - you just put on your big dog eyes and mope around thinking she'll rescue you. She won't! Go back to the agitated closet bitch who's trying to appear pleasant while criticizing everyone in a subtle way - she's the one whose heart you'll gradually win until she becomes so fucking dependent on you she won't be able to live without you. You'll love that shit! Knock yourself out!

Okay, now that I have solved all your romantic problems, go forth and conquer. Remember that there are millions and millions and millions of boring guys just like yourself hooked up with great women. Of course many of them are busy being dumped, divorced, and abused by these same women but that's the next FAQ and shouldn't deter you. Remember to think small! Women with small problems, small dreams, small concerns, small feelings, and small hopes. They're gonna love you! You'll do fine.

Next, we address the unasked FAQ of why women dump, divorce, abuse and ignore their perfectly nice boring guys in favor of running headlong as fast as they can into singleness and independence or alternatively, toward someone much more fucked up. We'll also address how you can become less boring if for some unknown reason you get a wild hair up your ass to do so. Sometimes there is an extraordinarily unboring guy lurking inside a boring one just waiting to pop out of his chest like something from the Alien movies. This unboring side is often extremely interested in learning how it can get the fuck out of the boring person it got stuck inside of and it might be interested in clicking on the link below. You never know....


Why boring guys get divorced, dumped, and abused....


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How can I find true love, tell me now. How, how, how?

Now that I have a girlfriend, how can I dump her?

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Your Social Brain. Helpful by-product of evolution or your worst fucking nightmare?


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