Is Falling
In Love the same as True Love?
Uh, no.
Falling In Love is an experience evolution wants you to go
through at least once in your life, but it doesn't require that you
do it at any certain time (the sooner the better though in most cases).
Evolution doesn't require that falling in love Work Out All Right
In The End. Falling in Love is really just the Activation of Longing
Chemicals. And it isn't really even an exclusively human thing.
There was a swan in some country where swans live that fell in love,
literally, with a gigantic swan-shaped boat. The poor love-smitten
swan saw that big swan-shaped thing and sighed romantically to itself,
'oh I could never be that big and plastic, with a paddle shaped wheel
instead of my own ugly, misbegotten swan feet. How I long to be a
bigger, plastic swan-shaped thing with a paddle wheel, so calm, so
unruffled by life's vicissitudes, so steady and yet having nothing
to fear from things that are so much larger than me! How I long for
the approval and companionship of such an admirable Big Swan Thing!"
And it displayed the typical classic I Am So Deeply In Love Behaviors,
such as following the big Swan Boat around all summer and then pining
hopelessly when it was put in storage during the off-season. The swan
and its boat were reunited after the off-season layoff and what joy
the swan displayed! What happiness and contentment oozed from its
oily feathers! They soon began paddling around together and are now
trying busily to Live Happily Ever After.
(By the way, Modern
Science has accidentally identified the Male Love Chemical
as primarily Longing Oriented while the Female Love Chemical
is supposedly primarily Bonding Oriented. Different chemicals. But
the reality is, both sexes have both chemicals so it doesn't make
all that much difference except that if you happen to be experiencing
a lot of Longing or Bonding then you can say to yourself, "well
my goodness, Modern Science must certainly approve of me!")
The swan story,
in its touching and yet disturbing way, illustrates that sometimes
there are Seemingly Hopeless Obstacles to Overcome when one is in
love. It is possible that things will never actually Work Out All
Right for the swan and the boat, in spite of the swan's brave, boundary-breaking
endeavors. The swan may at some point have to reluctantly settle for
a longer-lasting yet less intense form of True Love with a regular
swan. But for the moment, that doesn't matter. Falling in Love is
its own legitimate and worthy experience, even if totally deluded
and ultimately Doomed to Failure.
With that caveat
and disclaimer and so on though--there is a relationship between Falling
In Love and True Love. Like this:
1) Falling in
Love ups your chances that you will later experience True Love with
the Object of Your Longing. Because part of the point of Falling In
Love is, as we said, to put your heart through the paces of Extremes
of Emotion. This rigorous work-out is intended to help your heart
withstand the various challenges that come with being bonded to someone
over the long term. Some of those challenges include things like Intense
Hatred and Wishing the Love Object Would Just Go Away Forever, Massive
Frustration, Helpless Inability to Communicate Desires that Are Totally
Irrational, and Unreasoning Fury at the Love Object's Faillure to
Make Good on the Implicit Promise of Making You a Better Person. But
all of these things are in practice often less intense than the Initial
Falling in Love Sensations, and they turn out to be survivable (with
some difficulty), once the Deep Imprint of Falling in Love has been
thoroughly experienced.
2) Falling In
Love does not, however, guarantee that the OOYL will reciprocate and
form a True Love bond w/you at any point.
3) Falling in
Love is more likely to endure and mature into True Love of a Long-lasting
Type when you have correctly chosen someone Better Than You. If, in
your eagerness and naivete, you chose to project Better Than Youness
on someone who in fact was really just Mediocre, then basically you're
screwed and True Love will not develop. This is why we took particular
care to have you Keep Your Eyes Open in order to Look Beyond Surface
Hotness and Attractiveness.
3) Falling In
Love may occur even after Prolonged Prior Contact with someone better
than you. In other words, you can fall in love with someone you've
already known for a long time. I once fell in love with someone who
unexpectedly displayed Naive Enthusiasm, while I was grumpily
stuck in Cynical Enthusiasm. I'd known him for a year without suspecting
he was capable of Naive Enthusiasm, so it just goes to show you that
Love Can Pounce At Any Moment. It does not have to happen at first
sight. But sometimes it will.
3) Occasionally
True Love will develop without a prior Falling In Love experience.
This will usually Happen Under Duress. Just about anybody can develop
love for someone they go through Heavy Shit with. This is not always
a good thing. But it happens.
Bottom line:
It is preferable to Fall in Love as a precursor to developing True
Love, but it doesn't always happen. It's also preferable for True
Love to develop smoothly after the Falling In Love Experience has
occurred, but this hardly ever happens. Smoothly and Love are two
words that do not understand each other at all.
Should I continue
in a relationship if I don't think I've experienced Falling In Love
and I'm not really sure about the True Love part?
You should if
being in a relationship is more important than love. You should not
if love is more important than a relationship. How do you know which
category you fall into? By looking at timing and life circumstances.
If you've never fallen in love that should be a priority unless you're
old and tired and just don't feel like it. If you've fallen in love
like 80 gazillion times, then you need to just quit it and make a
relationship more important than love. Because you've obviously got
so many fucking Personality Flaws that no one OOYL can possibly satisfy
you, and what you really need to do is get used to the fact that no
matter how horrible you are (and yes, you are probably pretty horrible),
you're stuck with yourself and you're not actually so bad once you
get to know you. Which is wildly improbable, incredibly painful to
discover, and nonetheless true.
But, but, but...I'm
really not confident that I'll be able to identify the Falling In
Love Sensation. I've never experienced anything like it, and I'm kinda
thinking I might not be able to due to my own particular Personality
Flaws? Is that possible? How will I actually know what it feels like?
Nausea and inability
to sleep are two pretty good clues. Really. Not a joke. So are tingling
sensations. But a puking sense of longing and excitement are still
your best clues. If you are really unconfident in your ability to
identify these things, you can ask your friends. Sometimes even total
strangers will be able to identify the symptoms of Falling in Love
once you develop them. (This is horribly embarrassing by the way.)
As for is it possible
that your personal Personality Flaw will prevent you from either Falling
In Love or noticing it when you do--um.... Okay, the honest truth
is that people vary in their Chemical Receptivity. So it does take
longer for some people to notice than others. Some people are also
Very Reluctant To Experience Their Own Personality Flaws and this
does interfere with Falling In Love. And some people just give up.
And other people have really nice lives that they do not want to mess
up by Falling In Love. But I'm going to make a personal guarantee
that I have no right to make. Which is: you have the capacity to Fall
in Love and if you will Just Keep Looking you will eventually find
someone to fall wildly in love with. The person may be married, in
prison, Brad Pitt, an historical figure, a fictional character, living
in Borneo, or socially taboo, but you will find someone, experience
Falling In Love, and be the better person for it even though your
particular Longing will be of the Completely Hopeless Variety.
I'm scared
to go looking for a Falling In Love experience. What if I don't find
one?
Then you will
suffer and suffer terribly. But hell, you're going to do that anyway.
You don't have to commit to looking for a Falling In Love experience
the way you'd train for the Olympics or something. You can do it in
your spare time. It's not that hard. Really. And if you're reasonably
young and your hormones are in decent shape...then as long as you
avoid Unintended Pregnancy, Disgusting Diseases, and Life-Threatening
Violence then the hunt is rather enjoyable.
But what if
I Fall in Love and am not loved back and I get all depressed and kill
myself?
Don't.
It's that simple
really. Chemicals are interesting and important to experience but
they are not Messages From God as to Your Worthiness to Live. Look,
if you drink too much tequila in a single sitting, believe me, later
you are going to want to kill yourself. But if you have any sense
at all (and I'm sure you do), then you won't. You'll wait around,
in utter misery, until the toxins have left your body, and then sometime
later, with complete human foolishness, you will probably go get drunk
again. Same deal with Falling In Love. If it breaks your heart (and
it might), wait around in utter misery until the toxins have left
your body. And then later, with complete human foolishness, love again.
It couldn't get any more simple.
Now that you're in love,
let's address the constant arguing that will inevitably ensue.
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