Now you may
be wondering what the hell Lady Love is doing while all the Love
Clerks are working their butts off and doing all the really hard work
of matching. She is not eating bon-bons let me tell you! (Well, maybe
occasionally; she likes those pastel fruity ones, don't ask me why,
personally I think they're disgusting, but she likes them.)
Lady Love is actually
out of the office most of the time, handling the logistics of Love.
When the Love Clerk gives her a match, she takes it, pulls out her
day-timer, makes a notation and then immediately jets off to wherever
the lucky Love Matchee is and attempts to arrange a meeting between
them and their Matchor. This can be very difficult work. Lady Love
sometimes has to be quite a salesman as well as a logistical whiz.
Sometimes Matched
Person #1 can be in Toledo, Ohio and Matched Person #2 can be in Cincinnati.
Somehow she's got to persuade these two to meet and fall in love.
She gets to work busily arranging conventions in Cincinnati and trips
to see elderly aunts in Toledo and random collisions between rental
cars and anything she can think of. Frequently people are very resistant
to her efforts - they don't want to see their aunt in Toledo.
They don't want to go to the stock car race or Sierra Club hike or
hideous dinner party at which they will meet their Match. They try
everything they can think of to wriggle out of it. The moment before
meeting your Match is frequently filled with great resistance!
It's almost as if you can tell and you are scared. No one blames for
you this. But that doesn't meaning Lady Love won't kick you in the
pants to make you go!
Sometimes getting
the Love Matchees together is more difficult than getting the UN to
decide what to order for take-out.
It can be a tremendous amount of work. People have to lose jobs, move,
attend funerals, fall down stadium steps so their Love Match will notice
them and try to help them up - all kinds of fucking crap. The Love Logistics
process can be just as time-consuming and difficult as the Love Matching
process. Just another reason for you to get discouraged. Or,
alternatively, to be hopeful. The Love Clerks may have already found
your match and Lady Love may even now be in the process of convincing
them to leave Singapore for the madcap vacation in New Zealand where
they will meet you! No wonder so many people find romance on vacations.
Anyway, this is
just a digression, so you will not be mad at Lady Love for making the
clerks do all the work. She's quite a contributor herself!
Now you want to
know how to compose your Fax so the Love Clerks will match you and Lady
Love can get started making you fall down stadium steps! Very exciting!
Let's get started.
Step #1: Get
depressed.
Naturally you will
want to avoid this step because it's well...depressing. Frequently you
will want to stick to Hope, Bitterness, Fear and Resignation because
they're such homey emotions. Depression, you fear, will force you to
stare at the goddawful truth. And that would be pretty fucking terrible,
especially compared to Hope.
Well, this could
happen. In fact, it's why getting depressed can be very helpful in
starting you on your way to Love Fax Heaven. Depression, in this
case, is not bitterness and cynicism. It's not nearly that much fun.
Getting depressed
merely involves sitting down somewhere, preferably somewhere comfortable
in your home, and saying to yourself - 'You know what, I give the fuck
up. Whatever the fuck True Love is - I do not have it.' Ditch
Hope for a second, ditch the thought that you will find it someday and
just sit down with the fact that you do not have it right now. Just
admit it. Sit with it. Like this 'I do not have True Love.'
Some
of you are naturally talented at this depression business and some
of you are scared shitless of it. If you are scared shitless of it
- bite your lip really hard right now, stare at your computer screen,
and admit to yourself that you do not have True Love right now. Unbite
your lip and mouth the words.
Ditch
Bitterness, ditch explanations, ditch promises to try harder, ditch
ideas of improving yourself, ditch analyses of the opposite sex, ditch
everything your mind tells you about love, ditch every fucking thing.
No
one gives a fuck (no one meaning you) why you don't have love. No
one gives a damn whose fault it is or how you got to this place in
your life. It doesn't fucking matter. The only thing that matters
is that you don't have it right fucking now.
This
is the first sentence of your fax to the Love Clerks: 'Dear Love Clerks,
I do not have true love in my life right now.'
You
do not want to gum up your fax with things that will confuse the Love
Clerks like 'I'm kinda going out with this guy and he's sweet
and everything but really boring and I was thinking, you know I kinda
like guys that ride Harleys, they're probably bad for me, so maybe
that's not a good idea, but you know what I mean, and I was just thinking
if you could find me someone better than this guy who's really sweet
and everything but just so boring, also if you could find someone
who makes a lot of money but then he probably won't be the bad boy
kind i like...oh never mind, I don't know what I want. Never mind.
Sigh.... I"ll never fucking figure this love thing out.'
The
Love Clerks will discard your fax in this instance! They will
think you canceled your order!
To
repeat: You do not want to gum up your fax by saying things like
'Dear Love Clerks, I really love women and everything but you keep
sending me all these mean controlling ones that I don't really like
except of course that they provide a lot of security, but they're
psychotic, which I really don't think is my fault, I know some of
them have said it was my fault, which seems unfair, but I don't really
think the fact that I was completely shut down emotionally throughout
the relationship actually caused the psychosis, I think that was pre-existing,
well maybe it wasn't because we had good times in the beginning, well
actually you know i am...i mean i have my own issues and um, so i
was hoping for someone who didn't so we could spend the whole relationship
on mine - wait! cancel that! i don't want to deal with my issues,
that would be horrible, so i was thinking if you could send me someone
to fix me without any effort on my part, no wait, i don't want to
be fixed, why do i have to improved, that's exactly what i fucking
hate about women, they always want to improve you! i fucking hate
'em! i hate 'em all! I'll fucking kill you miserable Love Clerks if
you get me anwhere near a real one, I swear to god, I'm not going
down that road again, no fucking way. And you can't make me!'
The
Love Clerks will shake their heads, say to their colleagues 'another
fucking loon' and practice their wastebasket jump shot with your Love
Fax.
You
don't want this. So skip the mind loops and open your fax with
a simple statement of the facts: Dear Love Clerks, I do not have True
Fucking Love in my life right now.
Step
2: State that you want it.
Notice
that our chatty Love Fax blowing friends above not only skipped stating
that they didn't have true love in their lives right now, by the time
they got through talking to themselves, they were swearing on a stack
of Bibles that they didn't want it anyway! Who wants to fulfill a
Love Fax Request like this except out of spite (which does happen).
Sit
down in your comfy chair in a relaxed yet depressed posture and state
solemnly to yourself (with a big sigh for effect) I do not have True
Love in my life right now - AND I WANT IT!
It's
the contrast between the not having and the wanting that makes people
avoid this step like the plague. It's painful. It's one thing to be
pretending you're looking or thinking about bad previous relationships
or hoping for good future relationships or explaining or justifying
or analyzing or denying or anything else but sitting there realizing
you do not have it and you want it.
Sometimes
when you look at the not having it makes you want it so much much
more. This is exactly what you want. It is a well documented fact
that when faxing in your request to God, or the Universe or the Love
Operations Center that pure, intense desire gets the higher-ups' attention.
Pain works! Use it! We're talking your life here, use every
advantage you can get!
The
cold, hard look at the not having clears away all the bullshit and
makes the wanting all pure and white-lighty so that it can be seen
even from very high above the earth where the Love Operations Center
resides.
Do
not explain why you want it at this point. It doesn't fucking
matter. Everyone does. You don't need a reason to want it. Just say
that you do. Like this: Dear Love Clerks, I do not have True Love
in my life right now. I want it. I really really want it. I want it
a lot. I want it so much the feeling could split my heart in two right
now and cause a big rip in my chest where all the blood and everything
else will spill out.' (Okay, actually you don't actually have to go
into details about blood and so on. You can if you want to. If they're
true, you can add any kind of gory details you want.)
You
can say things like 'Love Clerks, I am so tired, so incredibly tired
of wanting and not having that I don't think I can take it anymore.
I am in despair. I don't know what to do. I only know that I want
it and I do not have it.'
Sincere
despair works! No need to be afraid of it. Sincere despair is
your love friend!
Step
3: State that you do not know how to obtain True Love in your life.
This,
like the other facts in your fax, should seem really obvious, but
frequently it isn't. Often it will seem like you ought to know how
to get it, as though it were a life skill like tying your shoelaces
or finding a good parking spot. This underlying belief will make you
try really really hard when in fact...you don't fucking need to. It
will make you beat yourself up and use phrases like 'my previous failed
relationships', when you don't really need to. Believe me, plenty
worse people than you have found True Love, and their fucking life
skills didn't have anything to do with it.
So
go ahead and confide in the Love Clerks what you might be reluctant
to confide to others - You don't fucking know how to get True Love!
Like this:
Dear Love Clerks,
I do not have True Love in my life right now. I really really want
it. I have been wanting it a long time. I want it so much it makes
my teeth hurt. I don't know how to get it. I don't know what to do.
I am in despair here. I would really like your help. Please help me,
Love Clerks, please.
How can they
resist a direct appeal like this???? They can't.
Putting it like
this also lets your brain know that it is not your responsibility
any longer to find True Love. God what a monkey off its back that
is! You are putting it in the hands of the Love Clerks now. It's
their responsibility, it's their problem, it's their worry, it's
their job.
Putting it in the
hands of the Love Clerks will allow you to go out into the world having
ditched Hope in favor of Faith. This is a good deal for you.
Because while you may screw things up and have to bear all the resulting
burden - if the Love Clerks scew things up at least it will not be
your fault! Major advantage. You don't need to be carrying
around a lot of things that are your fault, no one does. But
if you are the one responsible for finding True Love for yourself, every
fucking move you make is a potential disaster, just fucking waiting
to hang the albatross of Your Fucking Faultness around your neck! No
wonder your relationships are torture. One false move and you're carrying
it around your whole fucking life.
This is why you
have the conflicted relationship with Love and the Universe that you
do. On the one hand, you feel like you ought to take responsibility,
on the other hand, you are really fucking mad that someone else isn't!
It's that old dilemma that everyone faces when they are dependent on
outside forces for their fate or comfort -on the one hand, they want
to suck up to those forces and get on their good side. On the other
hand, they want to fucking punch them in the face for not doing a good
enough job.
Your Love Fax
is going to allow you to do both. In lieu of punching in the face,
you are just going to dramatically press home your point to the
Love Clerks that you want love! And in lieu of sucking up, you
are going to ask for help.
Note that you
have not explained why you deserve love. This is a classic sucking
up technique often used with parents and bosses and so on. Skip it.
As far as the love clerks are concerned, it's not why you deserve
it, it's why you want it. The 78 year old lady they all went out of
their way for? Not a word about why she deserved it - she was too
old and too beaten down by life to even think that way. No, she just
explained who she was and told them how much she really really wanted
to experience some True Love before she died. Melted their fucking
hearts!
Just think how
much less effective her fax would have been if she'd gone on and on
how about she thought she was a good person and had sacrificed her
life for her family, yada yada yada. The Love Clerks get that kind
of shit all the time. They're not impressed. Skip the justifications.
(Secret Bonus
Tip: When the Love Clerks get a fax from somebody claiming to
be a good person, they secretly suspect that person is not. If someone
claims to have tried really hard or tried everything, they know they
haven't. Someone claims to 'have a lot of love to give', they know
what the person means is they want to get a lot of love, not
give it. If you insist on using these kinds of phrases in your fax,
say instead 'I feel like I have tried everything...' and so
on. At least that way you're not lying. They still know what you mean
but at least they feel like you were trying to be honest and not deliberately
trying to pull the wool over their eyes the way you do with everyone
else, including yourself.)
Okay, now you're
in good shape. You've turned the burden over to the Love Clerks.
Now we get to
the creative part. The first part was just formula but now you get
to tell the Love Clerks a little bit about yourself. This is where
you go wild and let your personality shine through! What a big responsibility!
Will you blow it?
Not with prettyfedup.com
to guide you....
What will you tell the Love Clerks about yourself????.....
prettyfedup.com