a step by step plan to win over the shy girl

The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Okey dokey, now we're heading into the homestretch. This is where we tie all the threads together.

First, I want you to think of your shy girl as a housecat. This may be an unfortunate metaphor if you don't like cats, but it's the best one I can think of. Cats have a reputation for being rather mysterious, unlike dogs, who seem incapable of mystery, although they can occasionally pull off being very strange. Anyway, cats are reputed to be independent, capable of fending for themselves, prideful, standoffish, aloof, and so on. Again, unlike dogs, who more closely resemble the boisterous, outgoing people of the world. But the thing about cats is that once a cat gets to know you, or feel comfortable with you, it often devotes itself assiduously to obtaining physical affection from you. It'll jump on your lap, purr, roll around lasciviciously, rub against you, and so on. Even if a cat doesn't know you, it may very well seek love and attention from you, especially if you are allergic to them or don't like cats. There is a certain myth that 'nice girls' and 'shy girls' are the most wild once their reserves have been penetrated. There is some validity to this, although you shouldn't bet the farm on it. The point is, that like cats, shy girls are gluttons for love and attention and affection and frequently phsyical contact of all kinds (including some kinds that are hopefully among your favorites), given any sort of decent opportunity.

There is a reason why a cat will go straight toward the one person in the room that hates them or is allergic to them. It has to do with their central nervous systems - like a shy girl's, a cat's is easily overwhelmed, and thus they gravitate naturally toward people that aren't making loud noises, or frantic gestures to get their attention, and so on. People who hate cats are often trying to avoid them altogether, which cats much prefer to someone that chases them around yelling 'kitty, kitty!' The cat sees the person who's trying to avoid them, and thinks to itself, 'ah, calm centeredness, exactly what I crave,appreciate, and adore - what a wonderful human - I shall reward them by seeking their company for comfort and companionship.'

There's a lesson here. Shy girls are like cats in a remarkable number of ways - and calm centeredness attracts them. What we want to do is make the shy girl comfortable, so that she will eventually entertain and fascinate us for the rest of our lives with her mysterious knowledge, playful tricks, hunting ability, and exotic allure. Like cats, shy girls have excellent memories, which means they don't tend to forget anyone or anything that injures them. Be careful!

All right, let's stop screwing around with domestic animals and get down to brass tacks. We've already established that 1) we have to convey the message to our favorite Shy Girl that we like her without being overly direct about it; 2) that we want to string things along by cleverly planting the expectation of a More Desirable Future with us in our Shy Girl's mind; 3) that we cannot wait for her to make the first move; 4) that we must guarantee her that we will not reject her - in advance of her doing anything that we could actually reject; 5) that charm is going to help our cause considerably and 6) that we are going to use Calm Centered Listening to deploy our secret weapons of Patience, Attention, and Kindness. So we already know a lot. Let's turn this information into a step by step plan.

Step 1. Attack Uncomfortabiilty. Being too shy to initiate any kind of romantic encouner is not the end of the world, but it is often inherently uncomfortable. We attack uncomfortability with our 'I like' statments directed to some aspect of how our Shy Girl functions. Remembering that our Shy Girl is like a cat and her CNS is easily overwhelmed, we strictly limit our 'I like' statements to one per encounter. Any more than this and we run the risk of making her more uncomfortable, over-exciting her CNS and making her want to withdraw and get away. So we dose out one (1) 'I like' statement per encounter - at least a dozen times. This is why we needed patience. We need a dozen encounters where not much is happening except that we are planting the 'I like' seed. We are getting her used to the idea, habituated actually, to the feeling that you respond to her favorably and quite possibly like not just her computer set-up but her company and entire being as well. We are making use of the Future Expectations module that creates feelings to subtly create a feeling in her that you will dose her with compliments whenever you are around her. Her brain will, in most cases, start expecting that positive feedback, look for it, want it, and be magically drawn to you as the dispenser of reliable 'I like' statements. We are making use of all that theoretical junk we talked about in the first 2 pages. We are slowly getting her addicted to you. As a source of comfortable likingness. Pretty simple. This works with just about everybody, not just shy people, and this technique's use is limited only by how willing you are to like various aspects of the Other People. In this case, we hope that you already like her, so it's not much of an issue. Note that these 'I like' statements are a form of attention, the vital nutrient we alluded to earlier. Notice how careful we are not to overdose her. Remember that too much attention is toxic to shy people. Don't be deterred if your Shy Girl does not compliment you back or make similar 'I like' statements. She might, or she might not. It's irrelevant. You are in control here, at least you are until she leaps into your lap demanding physical attention, so make use of the control you have now and just don't fucking worry about any lack of response.

Step 2: Attack Lack of Confidence. Now that we have established our ability to comfortably deal with basic 'I likeness', we move on to establishing compliments in the romantic area we are so very very interested in. We move our compliments smoothly towards her attractivness to the opposite sex (in general) and subtly indicate that we too are susceptible to such charms. We are trying to make her confident in her romantic desirability. Again, we dose this out slowly. No more than one low-risk romantic reference per encounter. This is why we have to be so goddamn patient. We make a list, if necesary, of possible subtle flirt statements, deploy one per encounter, even if it's awkward and she wants to talk about how everything in her life is going backwards these days. We simply smoothly at some point in the conversation say 'well you see handle it really well. Seems like that would be the kind of quality people would really appreciate in a relationship.' And then you drop it. If she responds, you respond, otherwise you drop. After a couple of weeks of this, she is going to know that you're interested in her and it's going to drive her crazy. Good. You are building things to a critical mass, where something is going to have to happen to resolve the tension. That's what you want. In the meantime, you are establishing that you will not reject her if a romantic encounter were to develop. But you are doing it slowly, so her CNS can get used to it. She may still have her doubts and questions about you, but something is building.

Step 3: Remember that cats and Shy Girls are easily embarrassed. You may not know much about cats but one of their interesting features is that if one takes a risk and fails, as for example, by trying to leap onto the dining room table and missing, the cat will usually walk away haughtily, as though trying to give the impression 'I meant to do that. Turning into a panicked falling mass of outstretched claws and landing ungracefully on my butt is exactly what I was trying to accomplish.' Shy girls are like this. They feel inadequate at the drop of a hat, don't like this, and try to hide it. Dogs, like boisterous outgoing humans, are frequently too stupid to realize they should be embarrassed, but unfortunately or not depending on your point of view, Shy Girls rarely are. Thus, when a Shy Girl shows signs of embarrassment, we ignore it. Important point! In Step 2, you will have established multiple flirting opportunities. Some of these will embarrass your Shy Girl. She may make a pathetic, or awkward attempt to flirt back, or otherwise reveal herself to be romantically incompetent. Ignore this! It is vital to ignore the Shy Person's failures and inadequacies, they don't like them and they don't want any attention drawn to them. This is why we are careful with attention. We don't tease the Shy Girl or make fun of her, etc. Shy Girls are too much like haughty cats for this. You can play with a Shy Girl, but not make fun of one. If you need a mate you can embarrass, pick someone else. Drop the whole endeavor right now and pick a boisterous, outgoing person you can embarrass with impunity. By ignoring the Shy Girl's embarrassments, and there will be some, quite possibly, in areas beyond the realm of romantic engagement, you are establishing yourself as a non-rejecting person. Shy people are notoriously sensitive, you may or may not be yourself, but don't get anywhere near this particular mistake with a 10-foot pole. If she acts all embarrassed over anything, and doesn't want to talk about it - don't talk about it! Don't try to shore up her confidence by pointing out to her at length that her embarrassment is misplaced, just fucking ignore -act like there is nothing wrong with her whatsoever, and just move on. This is a common blunder in dealing with Shy Girls and it's put many a man out of the running. Take heed.

Step 4: Lure. A shy person's first line of CNS defense is withdrawal. The antidote to withdrawal is luring. You are going to lure your shy girl with attention, kindness, and goodies. Let's say you've tried to flirt in Step 2 - it didn't really work, she never rose to the bait and said 'are you flirting with me', or otherwise acknowledged your attempts. Instead, she got embarrassed, which you cleverly ignored, and now she seems to be trying to pull back or withdraw into her shell. So now you have to withdraw too. It's a cat and mouse game, since we are using the cat analogy. So you pull back, off the threatening subject and lure her with things she likes. To do this, you need to know what she likes. You find out what she likes by drawing her out with patient questions. Shy people are notoriously passionate, just not in front of people they don't trust. Shy people, and introverts in general, are also notoriously talkative - on the subject of their passions, which they generally assume no one else shares. Your Shy Girl has a passion. You need to find out what it is and lure her with it. She may be passionate about astrology. This may or may not be a topic of overwhelming interest to you. Nevertheless, you lure her by asking her to explain something astrological. Casually. Without apparent bouncy enthusiasm, you just ask her about it, so she'll do the talking. At least 8 times out of 10, they will, once you get them going. Now you simply pay attention to her interest in this subject. Not obsessive attention, just attention. If you can't do this - shy people are not for you. Ditch the enterprise at this point. Shy people love love love to delve into their passion, whatever it may be, animals, music, novels, what the hell ever. Notice that we have cleverly gone forward in the romantic area, and pulled back. We have made this game interesting to her brain. We are applying intermittent reinforcement, piquing interest and then pulling back. This is the most addictive form of reinforcement a human being can encounter. So we use it. Shy people are often easily bored by others! We circumvent that difficulty by luring the shy person into doing much of the talking on occasion. It is a hugely common mistake to try to overcome a shy person's withdrawal by doing all the talking yourself! Don't make this mistake. Ask gentle questions. Gentle. Not - so what's your passion? More like - you have a lot of books on the newspaper business, are you interested in journalism? This is why we use Attention. We look around for things to ask questions about. Then we ask them. 'Your apartment looks really nice. Do you know a lot about interior decorating?' Maybe she doesn't - but she knows a lot about something. I'll say it again in a different way - to a Shy Girl, having someone she can share her interests with is a form of attention so powerful, it is indeed like morphine or heroin. This is tremendously important to shy people, and since it's a powerful drug be careful with it. Paying attention to a shy person's interests is a form of Kindness. Kindness is the Killer App. Be aware of that. You can't think of shy people as being normal, shy people are more interesting than normal. They are particular. You can't just dive into - hey wanna make out? You've got to get to making out by taking the route of their passions. Once you get the passion button turned on in them, the chemicals will start swirling.

Step 5: Attack Fear. Remember that shy people are afraid - like everyone else is. They're just more afraid than most. Your kindness is the magic antidote to fear and it's powerful, so proceed accordingly. What kindness is, in this context, is the application of pain relief. Let's say our Shy Girl is distressed by pandemonium. Uproar, tumult, chaos - she hates 'em. Miscommunications really bother her. Loud people who don't listen bother her. Having to speak in a crowd bothers her. Trying to concentrate in a noisy room or where lots of people are talking at her or yelling, these things bother her. Maybe they don't, but lots of shy people are bothered by this kind of shit. So what you do - the kind thing to do is make her pain go away. If miscommunications bother her - then you listen - until she's communicated everything she wanted to but screwed up in whatever encounter bothered her. If she's trying to do something nerdy like read in a crowded cafeteria, offer to take her to some place quiet. if she has to do some work and she's all bothered by distractions, make those distractions go away. If she wants to know something and she's afraid to ask someone the answer - ask it for her. Whatever causes her pain that she's too fucking shy and embarrassed and haughty and reserved to deal with herself - step in and make it go away without acknowledging her inadequacy. This is the essence of kindness. Helping someone without belittling them. The resulting pain relief produces a tremendous numbers of chemicals and if you do this your Shy Girl will bond to you in a gushing helpless way even if she doesn't want to. You may not want to do the things that will make your shy girl's pain go away and so you'll have to make a choice. If you can do them and you like doing them - you'll have yourself a possibly life-long deal with your Shy Girl, I can almost guarantee it. The problem is - you may not know exactly what causes your Shy Girl's pain or embarrassment or inability to be romantically bold or even straightforward. This can make you feel helpless. This commonly happens. That is why you pay Attention and you use Calm Centered Listening to figure out what is causing the distress. Again, Kindness is the Killer App when it comes to shy people. What happens is that the pain relief produces a gush of endorphin-like bonding chemicals (endorphins are the body's own naturally produced heroin type substances, we were using the heroin analogy on purpose) in the shy person and the bonding will inevitably go towards you if you are the one who came to her rescue. This bonding has a good chance of destroying the shyness barrier.

So let's go over this again. First - you patiently pay attention until you can see when your Shy Girl experiences pain, embarrassment, distress, fear, etc. If you cannot see outright, you use your questioning and calm centered listening skills you used in the Luring stage to see if you can figure out what this girl needs. Second, you think real hard (if necessary) of something you can do to make alleviate her distress and make her pain go away. If it doesn't require hard thought - you just do it. Third, and most importantly, you do not acknowledge that there is anything wrong with your Shy Girl. You don't say 'huh, you're a real nerd. I guess you need quiet, huh?'. You just offer to take her to a quiet place. You just ask the loud people to pipe down a bit. You just do it and you never acknowledge that her fear or pain or her reaction might be over the top. 4th - you watch for feedback clues. If she appears flushed and really grateful, look adoringly at her and see if she responds with an equally adoring look. If she does, now's a good time, while the chemicals are circulating to go in the for the first kiss. I'm not kidding, now's the time, dispense with the formalities, take advantage of the chemicals and go for it. However - if she is showing signs of 'I could have done that myself, don't be so pushy, or anything similar - hang the fuck back. You will annoy your Shy girl big time with a miscalculation here. So pay attention. Chalk it up to experience and look for an alternate way to deploy kindness. Once you've unleashed your Shy Girl's passion by tapping into her area of interest- and you need to do this for maximum chemical effect before deploying the Kindness Killer App, you've pretty much got things stirred up enough that you can just skip any awkwardness. Remember, you've carefully laid the groundwork for this moment, you are both stirred up by the equivalent of your emotional rescue of Ms. Shy Girl and there is no need to overthink things at this stage. You just want to get to this stage.

Step 6. If an initial deployment of Kindness does not lead to Kissing (and it may not), use Reassurance. You can use Kindness a multitude of times with a cumulative effect, so no worries if it doesn't produce nirvana during your first foray. With Reassurance, we are merely going to take our initial techniques and bump them up to the next level. What you do is you scout around for some sort of project she is interested in, and then you support it. If she seems unwilling to divulge any sort of project, go back to tapping into her passion and use your Calm Centered Listening skills to ferret one out. Shy people very often assign themselves projects that are inherently difficult for them, involving as they do, some sort of overcoming of shyness. Let's say your Shy Girl wants to ask for a raise or negotiate one. She will likely find this intimidating, most people do. This is a good project for you to deploy Reassurance on. What you do is make Positive Declarations of Support. You offer to let her role-play or try out her arguments on you, You state that you're on her side, that you think it's a good idea, that you have confidence in her, and so on. The confidence in her part is important, because you are essentially allowing her to borrow your confidence to supplement her own low reserves. This is extremely helpful. This is more or less what good friends do for each other anyway, and this actually sort of pushes you sideways into the friendship zone, but it's okay, we're willing to take that risk. Why? Because shy people, or people who are romantically shy, are often of the opinion or experience that their romantic liaisons do not lead to Reassurance and support. You win bonus chemicals if you get her to reveal insecurities, doubts, hesitations, lack of self-assurance, all those Fears we talked about earlier. At this point, you are at the magic intersection of Hope and Fear where feelings begin and if you can get yourself in here in a positive way, the Shy Girl will bond to you with perhaps alarming loyalty. Everybody wants someone like this in a mate, and if you're willing to do this, you can write your ticket. In reality, you can woo anyone this way - it's just perhaps a bit less intimidating to woo a Shy Girl this way. Regardless, if you make it all the way to Step 6, you own this person's heart - or at least as much of it as they're willing to let anyone have a claim on. Good work! And look at you - you did it all by being a disgustingly good, nice person. You didn't even have to compromise your principles or change your character or even be that brave. Now it's time for:

Step 7. Don't wait. If you'd been willing to just go for it earlier, it wouldn't have taken you this long. But you weren't, for whatever reason, you actually wanted to win this person over, be sure they were ready, you didn't want to be rejected yourself. Maybe you're just as shy as she is. Maybe you're more scared of rejection than any Shy Girl you've ever met. Don't worry. By this time, it really doesn't matter how shy either or both of you are. You're past that point. You trust each other. You know each other. It's too late for shyness, really. You've already done all the work. All the hard parts are over. Your chemicals have melded. The barriers have essentially fallen. So you just say it, whatever it is, or you just do it. You arrange for another act of kindness and you swoop in for a kiss. Or you say, look I think you're the greatest and I want us to have a real relationship - you know, boyfriend/girlfriend, that kind of thing. It doesn't even matter what she says at this point. Because, thanks to all your shyness attacking techniques, which you've been using for maybe 3 months, if you've been very methodical, the level of intimacy between the two of you is actually quite high. She can tell you things she wouldn't tell other people. And you can tell her things you wouldn't tell other people. This is just a side effect of doing the various things that win trust, the Calm Centered Listening and so on. You're not making a proposal in the dark. You know something about this particular person because you've been paying attention. And you can therefore get an honest answer. The risk of pain is actually quite low. You've just done the opposite of what most people do, that's all. Most people establish a relationship first - and then do the labor of building up trust, assurance, confidence, and so on, in whatever areas they are needed. They get to know the person while they in a relationship with them. You simply did the homework first. You got to know them before you started dating them. It's a cautious approach, but there's nothing wrong with it. It reduces risk, and the fact is, you're going to have to do some of this shit, regardless, either before or after the fireworks. There's nothing wrong with doing it first. In fact, it often makes things more smooth and long-lasting once things get going. And this can be greatly to your advantage, because if you are a shy or cautious person, god knows, you don't really like the strain and the wear and tear of getting yourself into and out of god knows how many romantic relationships before finding one that works. So you've saved yourself a lot of stress and found someone you can be reasonably assured of. Good work. Props to you. Most people aren't like you - but screw 'em. If they like stress and strain, let them take that route.

prettyfedup.com

the pretty fucked up website

The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

the care and feeding of the shy girl...