Special Completely
Fucking Random Love Life Bonus Tips!
All right, as
we established earlier the primary strategy for surviving your love
life is to kill time and pain while waiting for Random Blind Fucking
Luck to find you, make mad delirious love to you and leave a Perfect
Mate behind as a parting gift.
To that end, you
may want to engage in a popular yet frequently thoroughly unpleasant
social activity known as DATING OTHER PEOPLE.
So let's kill
some time by making up some random yet fucked up tips for surviving
Dating:
Special Fucked
Up Dating Bonus Tip No. 1:
Develop
an Appreciation for the Fact That Other People Lie.
Continuous fucking
lying is one of the super-duper best qualities of human beings. Other
People engage in it constantly. Particularly while Dating. You know
this - and yet somehow you frequently fail to believe it usually when
it's most fucking obvious. This is just an endearing little quirk
you have. Its only drawback is that every once in a while you figure
out what a fool you are, get your heart stomped on, and develop the
bitterness that is so popular in the Haphazard Veering Between Optimism
and Bitterness Method No. 3) mentioned earlier. This is a good way
to kill time but not your best method of killing pain.
Now, naturally
you want to know why Other People Lie All The Time. So we will digress
for a moment to address this important topic.
Other
People Lie All the Time Because:
It's an inevitable
by-product of being a social animal with an extremely large and hyperactive
Social Brain. Other People lie all the time for the same reason you
do. Because the Social Brain's natural default setting is to say to
You: 'Don't be yourself, jerk-face! You tried that before and it didn't
work. Pretend to be the kind of person you need to be to survive in
a world full of ruthlessly dangerous yet incredibly necessary Other
People. Lie, motherfucker, lie!'
And when you confusedly
reply 'But don't I just need to be myself to find true acceptance
and happiness in the world? Isn't that what they always say?' Your
Social Brain will give you a long, hard searching stare until you
become incredibly uncomfortable. And then it will say calmly, and
for dramatic effect, 'Brian, take a look at the world out there. Does
it actually look to you like you will find true acceptance and happiness
as....YOURSELF!' And at the end, the big YOURSELF part, it will give
you a sudden electric shock of fear that will send you jumping out
of your skin. And you will say, 'Uh, no, I guess not. Maybe not.'
And then your Social Brain will say very nicely, 'Of course not. Now
what did we learn about lying about our True Self?' And you will say,
'Do it constantly, sir, constantly.' And then your Social Brain will
give you a big hug and say 'That's my boy!'
This is because
your Social Brain is a lot more realistic than people who babble mindless
claptrap about Just Be Yourself. Of course, your Social Brain
will not call you Brian if your name is Agatha unless you have some
sort of a disorder in which you refer to yourself as Brian even when
you're not. But that's a minor point. The major point is that you
are a liar. And so is everyone else. This is a good thing, and
will lead to lots of time and pain-killing fun leisure time activities
for you while you wait around for Random Blind Fucking Luck to kiss
you.
But first, we
have to clear away two major obstacles to a true appreciation and
enjoyment of Other People's Lies:
Obstacle
No. 1: This lying business is a major, major point of
confusion for people - many of whom are extremely busy being Pretty
Fucked Up. And when you are pretty fucked up you are all private
about being fucked up and feel all weird about it and all this energy
going into feeling weird yet private naturally leads you to the
conclusion that whereas you are lying and fucked up and weird, Other
People are honest, and unfucked up, and normal. This is a completely
understandable belief. It is also incredibly stupid. Other People
are not honest, unfucked up, or normal. Other People are lying,
fucked up, and weird. The fact that Other People are as fucked up
as you are is a good thing. And if you haven't already figured this
out...you will be very very happy when you do.
Obstacle
No. 2: Bitter Surprise. Many people randomly and unexpectedly
stumble across the fact that Other People lie by getting bit real
hard in the ass as a result of not catching on to the lying thing
earlier. Then they get all horrified and bitter and decide that
Other People are actually Horrible People and Not to Be Trusted.
And sometimes they divide the world up into Exalted Beings Who
Never Lie and Horrible People Who Always Lie, and sometimes
they just clump the whole world into the Horrible People category.
Either way they get all excited and completely lose the ability
to tell truth from lies no matter who is telling it.
Most people
are bound to go through a certain variant of this at some point
or another, it is called Being Betrayed and it is a very
popular life experience. It's also very unpleasant. And it can really
kill your enjoyment of the wonders of human lying and obscure lying's
true purpose, which is to try, however pathetically, to get along
in the world and be a nice person and really it is not that
Other People lie all the time, it is that they lie when they are
afraid they have a reason to. Just like you.
The Bitter Surprise
phenomenon really comes about as a result of feeling really fucking
stupid, which is a universal human experience, but it's easy to
get your panties in a wad about it, especially if you are already
in the mood to be Pretty Fucked Up. And being simultaneously Pretty
Fucked Up and feeling Really Fucking Stupid can lead you
to the conclusion that you are hopelessly inadequate to figure out
who is telling the truth and who isn't and to make wild-eyed random
accusations and invest in idiotic Blind Faith in the Untrustworthy
and so on.
Sudden Random
Bursting Interjection:
What the fuck
does all this lying crap this have to do with my love life and finding
true love and bonus tips and dating and waiting for Blind Fucking
Luck?! Why are you going on about this? Who cares?
Good questions.
And I'm sorry I got all digression-y. But I kinda thought you would
have figured it out. This Not Fucking Understanding Other People's
Lies is a major obstacle to Finding True Love, not to mention a surprising
and injurious effect of Dating for many people because it gets
in their way. It Velcros them to the wrong people and generally makes
it hard for Random Fucking Luck to find them because they are so busy
fucking up their lives that it can't get a fix on them. Not that it's
impossible to find True Love while being Hopelessly Fucking Naive,
but why lower your chances.
Clear some shit
out of the way so Luck can find you and entertain yourself in the
meantime. That's the main thing actually, not the Avoidance of
Unnecessary Pain, but the entertainment factor. Remember, we are actually
just killing time.
All right,
I'll bite. What makes Other People's lies entertaining?
Okay, let's say
you are killing time with a little Method No. 2) Desperate, Frantic
Searching and have decided to investigate personal ads as a means
of subjecting yourself to Dating. Perfectly valid way to kill time
while waiting for Method No. 1) to kick in.
And you are desultorily
and not too desperately perusing away at the ads when you come across
something like this: "I'm so romantic I'm a walking, talking
Hallmark card. I know how to treat a woman right." And you, being
a woman, think to yourself - 'A romantic! That's just what I want!
Oh my god, maybe...maybe...I wonder if I should call or ... I had
thought there were no romantic guys left. A man who knows how to treat
a woman. This is too good to be true.' And so on. It is too good to
be true and you are a complete sucker, but that's okay, let's move
cautiously yet boldly through the steps of making Other People's lies
entertaining and endearing.
Okay, so this
is Step 1: Noting, observing, and paying attention to what Other
People say. Good work. You have done that by reading the personal
ad and getting all excited.
Now I want you
to continue to kill some time by moving on to Step 2: Actual observation
of the actions of the Other People who are doing the saying. Okay,
so go ahead and cautiously meet Mr. Hallmark Card, undesperately,
and not too excitedly, keeping in mind the importance of Non-desperation
when engaging in Method 2. I know your mind is racing ahead to the
wedding, but take a deep breath and calm down.
Step 3: (and
this is hard but important) Get unstuck off yourself and pay attention
to how things might look and feel from the point of view of the Other
Person in question. Understanding that it is as natural as breathing
for Other People and Yourself to lie - attentively and sympathetically
observe what Mr. Hallmark Card might have to lie about. What kind
of lies might Mr. Hallmark Card tell in his pathetic yet endearing
attempt to get along and be a nice person in a world full of dangerous
Other People.
Paying attention
to Other People's Lies is just a sneaky, backhanded way of developing
an Interest In Other People As Well as Yourself and this is a hobby
that will provide hours of productive fun. No need to overdo but a
spicy splash of Interest in Other People can greatly add to
your Love Life even when Random Blind Fucking Luck hasn't kissed it
yet.
Now, while you
are off Dating Mr. Hallmark Card and finding yourself surprised and
put off to discover that he is not what he said he was...we will be
busy engaging in some armchair analysis of Mr. Hallmark Card's lies.
For practice. On the off chance that we too will one day get a Date.
And this is where we will greatly entertain ourselves with Other People's
Lies while you are busy haphazardly veering between Optimism and Bitterness
in your nascent soon to be ex-relationship with Mr. Hallmark Card.
We will point
and laugh at Other People and their pathetic lies and just indulge
in general hilarity. But don't feel too bad as you stumble through
Dating. At least you stand a chance of getting laid.
Now, on to the
fun!
oh goody! Armchair analysis and mockery of the things
Other People say in their Personal Ads....
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Related
Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:
Why
do Asshole Guys Get All the Chicks?
Why
is it a good thing that Other People are fucked up, lying, and weird?
That doesn't seem so good to me....
What's
the best sexual position?
Special
Vocabulary Words:
Your
Social Brain. Helpful by-product of evolution or your worst fucking
nightmare?
Other
People
Pretty
Fucked Up
Social
Inhibition Mechanism
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