ASKING A GIRL
OUT.
The big one. The
Big Kahuna. The prize at the end of the tunnel. Or possibly a hidden
portal into myriad untold dangers in which you may be attacked as
by a gigantic tiger with gigantic claws and teeth that will rip you
to shreds!!!!
Not really. But
it might as well be tiger-time as far as our chemicals are concerned.
So we are going to take various steps to reduce the danger and trick
the chemicals into avoiding that tiger! Because the tiger you
are actually afraid of in Approaching A Woman With Intent To Initiate
The Process That Will Eventually Lead To Intimate Relations -
is you.
All right, so
the first thing we are going to do is go back to the conversation
process you started learning back on page 2. In that process, remember,
you remained alertly aware of the Other Person you were encountering
so that you could harmonize with them and allay their natural fears
of Another Person like yourself. You learned to listen so you could
agree with anything agreeable, share information about yourself that
would make them less intimidated, pick up on their hidden fears and
soothe them, crack jokes and ease their nervousness by making them
laugh and so on.
You picked this
up mostly by convincing yourself you were friendly and then letting
your instinctive notions of friendliness take over. We are now going
to look at this process a tad more closely so we can turn it into
Asking A Girl Out.
Let's take an
example so we can take a look at it. You are in the common area of
your apartment building getting your mail, or walking from your car,
or getting your laundry or waiting for the elevator and another woman
from your building is there too. Not with anybody, just doing something
because she lives in the building. You acknowledge her and say hi,
because that's what you do these days. Because you're a goddamn
fucking friendly person!
She says hi back
because she what else is she going to do? There isn't much of a choice.
Maybe she herself is shy or doesn't really want to talk but that's
her tough luck. Someone says hi in a friendly manner and you've
pretty much got to say hi back or risk Creating An Unfriendliness
Situation. People don't really want to do that, so they say hi
back. Sometimes they are happy to, sometimes they are not. Doesn't
matter.
All right,
so this woman is pretty good looking. Nice figure. From your observation
of her in the building doesn't seem to have a boyfriend. No obvious
defects. Maybe even a trait or two that piques your interest. It's
worth starting a conversation over - so you do. How do you do this?
You observe something about the situation that allows you to address
the other person's apparent needs or likely concerns. You say - 'need
help with that laundry basket?' because they're struggling with it.
They say no, you say okay - 'i'll just open the door for you' because
it's a pain to open the laundry room door when you're lugging 3 weeks
worth of laundry and 200 oz. of detergent in a single basket.
Or you say - elevator's
slow today. Or - the guy usually doesn't deliver the mail til after
4 on weekdays. They respond. Maybe not with all that much enthusiasm
but they respond. Because what else are they going to do? The situation
calls for at least a cursory response. You say 'I'm Joe, by the way,
2nd floor.' They say 'Hi Joe.' Maybe they say their name back. Maybe
they don't. If they really want to get away from you, they'll try.
Big deal. You have said absolutely nothing that could ever be used
against you!!!! You did not say 'nice ass.' You did not say 'haven't
we met somewhere before?' You did not say 'I'm lonely and horny and
so fucking desperate I'm about a half step from being a rapist. Can
I fuck you?' You did not say 'has anyone ever told you how beautiful
you are?' You did not say anything that could be remotely construed
as anything except politely fucking friendly. This is important!!!!
So we're not going
to solve this problem - we're going to sidestep it. Notice how in
the example above, we did not say anything that could actually
be overtly rejected! 'I'll open the door for you' could meet with
a response such as 'that's okay, I'll get it myself', but pay close
attention and you'll note that 'i'll get it myself' does not mean
'I wouldn't fuck you if my life depended on it.' Since your Sex
Brain is insistent on arranging all encounters so that they can be
responded to with something that means either 'sure i'll fuck you!'
or 'not in this fucking lifetime buddy, scram!' your Sex Brain
is going to calm down a bit. It doesn't really recognize a social
encounter as a sexual encounter unless one of these 2 possibiliities
is imminent. This reasoning on the Sex Brain's part causes lots of
complications for both the sexes but these complications are not our
problem right now. Because we're sidestepping them.
Let's take a moment
to pause here and note that we are eliminating rejection from the
equation and therefore giving you some breathing room in your battle
with your Sex Brain. In other words, we are solving all your fucking
girl asking out problems at once! This is a good deal.
So let's go back
to our example. Maybe the conversation ends quickly or maybe it doesn't.
Even if it does, since you weren't overtly rejected, you are perfectly
free to pursue a subsequent conversation. Nobody told you to get lost
because you weren't dangerous enough to warrant such a warning. So
you can keep the first conversation going if appropriate. Or if not,
you can keep your eyes peeled for the good-looking single girl and
initiate a second conversation. You can do this a dozen fucking
times if you want. I once had a man follow this strategy with
me a good 10 or twelve times and not only was it successful in the
sense that did we end up making many extremely wonderful and repeated
attempts to get pregnant over the next 7 years but we also accidentally
fell in love as well and that turned out to be a real blast and rather
exciting.
So your next step
with apartment complex girl is to further establish a seductive lack
of terrible threateningness by offering something about yourself and
then displaying potential vulnerability or need for assistance. This
is an extremely clever and advanced concept but it is easy to implement
so we'll include it here. So you say at the elevators - 'long day.
I just want to get home.' So they can say 'me too.' or grunt or whatever.
Or 'I'm waiting for the mail too. I'm expecting a check.' Or 'I need
to do my laundry too, I usually let it pile up for six weeks until
I have to spend all day doing it.' Not much will come of comments
like this - there is not much for the other person to say. Some friendly
people will say 'oh i know what you mean. I hate to do my laundry'
but many won't. You are simply establishing that you have a life beyond
stalking single women in the laundry room.
The advanced step
comes when you display the potential for receiving assistance in some
way. If you have an Obvious Defect, such as an accent or a scar
on your face or a lisp or something, this is often an excellent time
to capitalize on it. Like this - 'I'm new to this country and
the laundry products confuse me still. It is necessary to put the
fabric softener in the rinse?' Maybe this is charming or maybe it
isn't, but it ever more firmly establishes that you are not attacking
anyone and the request for assistance creates a little sucking vortex
of energy that draws people to you. They may not want to be drawn,
they may resist, but the energy is there. Or 'sorry if I startled
you, sometimes people freak out at the scar and think I'm a vandal
or something.' This forces people to say 'no, no' because of course
they don't want to admit they were suspicious of you because you have
a hideous scar - that would constitute an Unfriendliness Challenge
and since you do have a scar and could be dangerous, they don't want
to initiate one of those. It also establishes that you are aware of
the scar and not too embarrassed to mention it and furthermore it
hasn't prevented you from being a human being. This is tremendously
reassuring to people who are often afraid that the Pain Of Your Hideous
Scar has turned you into a dangerous raging Pain Beast who will eat
them up. Or if you mispronounce something -'I don't know if I said
that right, I have a speech impediment and never know if I'm saying
the words so people can understand me' or use your accent instead
of a speech impediment if you have one. These kinds of things - capitalizing
on your Obvious Defects can turn into a tremendous advantage as Other
People experience this surge of relief chemicals that you are not
a Dangerous Beast and that makes them feel all the more kindly toward
you. Women will start to think you're 'so cute' because of your Obvious
Defect and all the other guys who don't have Obvious Defects will
be all fucking jealous and grumpy because they don't have one. They'll
say to themselves, 'sure I could get laid all the time if I was all
foreign or had some handicap or something, those guys get all the
Sympathy Fucks.' Little realizing that only months ago, you were twisting
in the tormenting agony of Terror of All Human Contact due to that
very same handicap.
If you don't have
a handicap you're just going to use regular conversation to establish
something incredibly fucking simple that you need or would like to
know. 'When is this laundry room not crowded? Every time I come down
here the machines are all taken.' 'Do you know what time they pick
up the outgoing mail?' Blah, blah, fucking blah. Say something
like this even if you already know everything about everything.
Some of you think you do. Too bad! The point here is not that you
want to spend the rest of your life talking about fabric softener.
The point here is that you are establishing your ability to initiate
and sustain human contact with single women whenever and wherever
you want to. That's it. Don't just practice on apartment complex girl.
Practice on everyone. Offer and solicit information. Establish common
fucking ground. Do this until your Sex Brain gradually gets the
fucking idea that there is more than one woman on the planet and that
every conversation does not represent your absolute last fucking opportunity
on earth to ever get laid in your lifetime period.
Notice again
how you have said nothing that allows the woman you are talking to
any opportunity whatsofuckingever to announce to you that she absolutely
will not sleep with you. There has been no way for her to slip
that announcement into the conversation. 'When does the mail get picked
up?' just does not allow her a decent chance to make this announcement
even if she wants to. And the fact that she may indeed want to means
absolutely fucking nothing. Women want to make this announcement to
guys all the time and then later they change their minds. Sometimes
they want to make the announcement that they will fuck you - and then
they change their minds about that also, once they get to know you.
You are establishing conversational techniques that can be used anywhere,
that allow you to take control of your destiny. You are getting the
chance to create many many situations wherein a girl can respond to
you favorably without you getting rejected in any of them. This is
a considerable advantage in an insecure world.
Notice again
that 'when do they pick up the mail' does not mean 'Can I Get You
Pregnant Right Now?' If you think it does, you are setting yourself
up for heartache. 'When do they pick up the mail' means something
more like 'I am giving you a reasonably decent and eminently courteous
opportunity to become wildly attracted to me on a timetable that suits
both your personality and your needs.' You should be prepared for
the fact that this may very well happen. This can be unnerving, being
wildly attractive to someone and you may experience an initial desire
to avoid this scenario altogether so you can go back to being shy,
but you're a big boy now and you're just going to have to deal with
it.
Step 3. We forgot
to number the other steps, but oh well, this is step 3. Step 3 is
keeping your ears peeled, listening like a dog for her to say something
that indicates a need or opportunity for contact in another setting.
Listen hard! Like this: "I wish they had recycling in
this building." "I work at a comedy club on Sunset."
"I like foreign movies actually but they hardly ever show any
around here." "My soccer team needs a new field." "I
have to take my car in to get fixed." "I just got back from
the library." "I am taking night classes in marketing."
You are going
set the stage for these kind of fascinating revelations by offering
and soliciting information in a friendly manner. Then you are going
to capitalize on the revelations by casually suggesting contact
in another setting. Like this: "I know a recycling center
on Woodbrook - if you have a lot I'll take you there one day when
I drop mine off." "I've always wanted to go to a comedy
club. Is it fun to work there?..etc., etc., [until you get to]...okay
well maybe i'll come down one of the nights you're working and check
it out.' 'I know, well I rent a lot of foreign movies and DVDs from
NetFlix so if you ever need a foreign movie fix, let me know and you
can come over and see one.' 'I play softball at Cedar Recreational
Center - come over one night before a game and I'll introduce you
to the guy that schedules the fields.' 'If you need a ride home from
the car shop, let me know and I can take you - it's not a problem.'
'If you like books, there's a used book place on Fairfax I go to.
They have a bin where you can get like 3 for 50 cents and drop off
the ones of yours you don't want anymore. [Blah, blah, blah] well,
if you're going let me know because I've been meaning to stop by there
- I should get out of the house more on weekends anyway.' 'What kind
of marketing? [Blah, blah, blah] Yeah, I've always wanted to take
a night class there too. blah, blah, blah.'
Note that your
initial attempt to make contact in another setting will not work out.
They will hesitate, delay, suggest they're too busy, hedge, decline.
It doesn't matter, because you are going to maneuver your way ever
closer to specifics. One day, you are going to say 'hey didn't you
say you were into Fellini? Coz I just rented the complete Fellini
set on DVD." She'll say 'well I'm busy all weekend." You'll
say 'that's fine. Just say when's good for you." She'll eventually
say 'well what about Tuesday?' Eventually it will work out. And since
you can use this technique in so many fucking situations you will
have plenty of opportunities, should you choose to make use of them,
to Suggest Contact In Another Setting with so many people that you'll
end up Making Friends or god knows what kind of other accidental drastic
improvements in your social life. This is what normal people do!
Soon you will be one of them! This is exciting.
Contact in
Another Setting is the key to establishing the kind of interaction
that leads to sex (or romance if you are romantic, or marriage if
you are traditional - or whatever). This is the essence of asking
someone out. This is the big jump from the current you to other
people who go on dates and have girlfriends. But note, yet again,
that you still have not given your unwary prey any opportunity whatsoever
to declare their lack of interest in sex with you. You dog! You have
simply outmaneuvered your prey until eventually a certain number of
them are going to end up acquiescing to contact in another setting.
It's almost like going out with people. And it's way ahead of where
you are now. You will notice however, that you are still not getting
laid.
But don't worry
too much. By the time you are at this advanced stage you are going
to have a girlfriend so fast it will simply bewilder you. This whole
business of contact in another setting is going to be one thing leading
to another. In some cases it wil lead to friendship, in other cases
to getting drunk and groping, in other cases romantic heartache, and
in some cases a lengthy relationship.
So let's go over
this briefly. You have innocently lured someone over to your apartment
to watch DVDs. You enjoy yourself. So do they. This happens a few
times. You innocently say after one time 'okay, come over early next
time and I'll make you dinner.' You will innocently say to used bookstore
person or comedy club person - well if you like Thai we should go
out to lunch. I know a really cool little place near where I work.
And so on. You will wangle your way to increasing amounts and levels
of contact in other settings. Under the guise of shared activities
you will spend many moments sharing and soliciting information.
At some point,
the sexual tension is going to get extremely fucking awkward. Now
taking into account that you are a shy person afraid to ask girls
out and really kind of horrified by the thought of letting your Sex
Brain finally roar into gear and initiate exactly the kind of sexual
contact that is going to lead to Horrible Rejection, we are going
to cleverly use an alternate strategy. We are going to let the
girl do the work.
We are incredibly
fucking smart here at prettyfedup.com and we are not in any way opposed
to easing things by having Other People do the work for us shy people.
This is good because it's going to drive you to the insane asylum
worrying about the first kiss and making out and getting naked
and inconvenient but undeniable hard-ons and premarital morals and
what will your parents say and the looming, gigantic, monstrous spectres
of Mortifying Inexperience and Consequent Death by Embarrassment
via Sexual Rejection. These things are too tough for a Shy Person
to battle alone, particularly a Shy Person With No Real Sexual Track
Record. There are times when a person would almost rather die than
have their egotistic Sex Brain, their tender Love Hearts and their
Insecure Social Brains all rejected at once, which is exactly what
people, not surprisingly, fear when they are in this situation. So....
You are going
to continue initiating Contact in Various Settings, including potentially
intimate ones such as movie theatres, restaurants, and your home until
the female in question is going to go absolutely fucking nuts trying
to figure out whether you want to fuck her or not. She can't fucking
tell. On the one hand, you are suggesting and carrying out all these
dating type things and on the other hand, your Sex Brain hasn't really
said anything out loud yet. So eventually, she's going to lose her
mind and have to fucking find out. She is incredibly conflicted about
this because on the one hand if you don't, that's insulting - what
are you saying she's not attractive, not pretty, not fuckable? - and
on the other hand, she really hopes you don't want to because my god
that would be scary and mess everything up and she's not really sure
she wants to sleep with you anyway. So she will go back and forth
trying to figure out how much to confront the situation but on the
other hand - she has to fucking know! She can't stand it.
Here's a tip for
creating this type of situation where she will bring things up so
you don't have to. Remain somewhat nervous and horny. This
is easy for some of you whereas some of you will be tempted to go
sexless and relaxed. We don't want that to happen or the process
won't work. So try to keep yourself somewhat hyped up and worried
while implementing the Rejection-Free Asking Out Without It Ever Seeming
Like You Did That plan. Cogitate, stew, mull over your various ruses
for Initiating Contact in Another Setting. Lie a little, stretch the
truth, to keep yourself more wired. Lie about your interest in comedy
clubs or foreign movies or soccer or Persian culture or Thai restaurants.
Not so badly you're absolutely sure you'll get caught, but enough
to keep you alert. This is known as Trying to Impress A Girl While
Being Very Smooth About It. It will make things more interesting for
you and speed up the process. This is good because otherwise it can
turn into a Very Long Process That Eventually Never Leads to Sex.
That's not what we're trying to accomplish. Remember, you've come
a long way since you were too shy to talk to people at work, we don't
want to get you permanently stalled 5 feet from the finish line. So
remember to stay a little chemically charged up. You're in an excellent
position because you've arranged it so that it's hard for anyone to
outright reject you, yet your hopes and dreams can still be dashed.
This is exactly the right amount of tension to bring to the situation.
Okay, so in your
nervous way, you will be making stupid jokes or trying to impress
her with your knowledge of Italian cutlery or god knows what and she
will say 'Are you trying to flirt with me?' Say yes! Or maybe! Or
I was hoping you were flirting with me. Or well I'm trying to - or
any fucking thing that indicates an openness in that direction. Do
not say 'I love you and I want to fuck you until your womb bears the
fruit of my seed 15 times.' Again - your sex brain will be tempted
to say something stupid like 'i'll do anything you want if you just
give me some' but don't let it! do not turn this pivotal moment
into any kind of a declaration - just laugh like yeah you are flirting.
No declarations! I repeat - no declarations! Then continue
to fucking flirt! Sit closer, touch, get drunk, go home, start groping,
start kissing, start hyperventilating and take it from fucking there.
Some girls are
really fucking awkward about this and won't say something pleasant
like 'are you flirting with me?' No some of them have to get all fucking
tweaked and say something like 'You know I really like you and everything
but you know, if you're thinking, I mean I was with Johnny for 2 years
and I'm not ready for any kind of a relationship yet.' Or 'I really
like you, but i want us to be just friends.' Or 'I just felt like
I ought to say that I don't have any romantic feelings or anything
and I'm considering this just friendship.' These women get a big
fat D or F in Social Skills. Boo! In a just world they ought perhaps
to be killed or at least slapped for being so tactless. But this is
not a just world we are creating, it's a merciful one and you're not
going to do any of these things because hello! you were so fucking
smart you never fucking said you wanted a goddamn fucking romantic
relationship in the first place! You didn't put yourself out on the
line that way first - they did! Now they can be hideously embarrassed
when you say spitefully - 'God, I hope you didn't think I was picking
up on you or something. Jeez god no I never looked at you that way
at all! I would never ask you out on a real date or anything. This
is just friends.'
A verbal response
like that to a girl who has put you down is just one step from premeditated
girl murder and you can get away with it if you'd like. But you don't
have to. Because their big fucking announcement they don't want to
sleep with you - often a total fucking lie! It often means
god I am so insecure and I hate myself because I think you like me
but you probably don't and I'm just going to die of continuous romantic
rejection in my life anyway so I might as well get things over with
and fuck everything up right now really bad.
And you can just
deflect it by saying oh I wouldn't try to do anything right now, I
know you're not ready, I just really like you and I think you deserve
better than that creep. Blah, blah, blah. Or oh no, I understand,
I just think you're a really great person and everything. I understand.
Blah, blah, blah. Guys come up with these bullshit understanding lines
because you know what - they often work! People by their nature, as
you will note from observing yourself, are all mixed up and conflicted
and confused and prone to bollocks things up for themselves and if
you don't commit hari-kiri over it, you can often wangle things around
to a more favorable position for yourself. Wait until her anxiety
has simmered down a bit, get drunk together (hey you're friends right?),
experience sexual tension, say seriously 'hey I still like you', get
touchy-feely and watch her change her mind for at least one night.
But sometimes
women are somewhere between coy and tactless, sometimes they're sincere.
Sometimes they'll say things like 'um, so are we starting something
here?' so just say 'yes, I hope so.' then when they say 'i don't know.
maybe it's not a good idea,' say 'i'm not sure it's a good idea either.
i do like you though.' blah, blah, blah. yes, you are willing to continue.
no, you are not making a Major Declaration. Yes, you will certainly
sleep with her if the opportunity arises, no you will not rape her.
That's it. That's all you're trying to communicate. 'I will make
love to you, I will not turn into a desperate horny date-raping creep.'
That's the essence of your message. Sex - yeah sure! Rape - nope,
not going there. Yes, you are attracted, no you are not desperate.
See how fucking easy it is!
Sometimes they
will try to seduce you. Let them! Sometimes they will put their hand
on your thigh first. Put your hand on top of it. Put your hand on
their thigh. Touch back. Respond you shy motherfucker respond!
You haven't said anything embarrassing yet. What are you worried
about? Do not under any circumstances ask yourself tortuous fucking
useless questions like 'what if her hand on my thigh does not mean
she'll fuck me? what if she wants to and I'm no good?' etc. Put
that shit out of your mind. You didn't make any major fucking
declarations, don't expect her to. Don't make her explain in outline
form whether she'll sleep with you or not and on what criteria she'll
base her grade of your performance. That's totally uncool. She put
her hand on your thigh to see if you'd respond. So respond!
Sometimes instead
they'll tease around and say 'you're cute' or what have you. Say 'you're
cute too' back. Respond. However she asks the question - so, do you
want to fuck me? answer yes, politely. Not OHGOD YES! Just yes. Remember
and realize she will ask it in a way designed to prevent her from
being too embarrassed. You are a shy person, you can relate to that.
Be considerate of it. Respond in the way that she asked you, as a
nice person would. If she is super-fucking earnest and sincere and
says 'I think I'm falling in love with you,' say 'That's a coincidence,
I think I'm falling in love with you.' Have you got the basic concept?
Do you see how easy it is in reality? Do you see why millions and
billions of people have been able to do it for hundreds and thousands
of years? Do you see how you can too - without anyone even knowing
that you had to try?
The fact that
it's so easy once you get into the swing of things is important. Because
when you first start out, it's going to seem like an excessively long
process, a way too long process and your Sex Brain is not going
to approve. It's going to pitch some major fits along the way. It's
going to yell at you for having no balls and ask you why you don't
go to bars where you can approach strange women by saying 'wanna fuck?'
It's going to flop down on the floor and scream 'We'll never get laid.
Never ever ever ever. I'm a Sex Brain and I'm never ever ever going
to reproduce. Never.' It's going to tell you that it hates you. Explaining
to it that you are shy or you've never done this before is not going
to placate it. It will hurl insults, burst into tears, suck its thumb,
give you bad advice, try to short-circuit your Social Brain and generally
make an abusive nuisance of itself. It will subject you to over-the-top
fantasies and concoct elaborate alternate realities of studliness
and outright perversion that will distract you from the task at hand,
which is simply getting yourself in a physiological state in which
you can relate comfortably yet somewhat nerve-wrackingly with people
who could bear your children. So keep in mind that a year from now
your life will be completely different.
You will not be
a fucking virgin, either socially or sexually. You will have made
a major life transition and it will have been amazingly fucking painless.
You will have learned how to interact with people along the way, you
will have met some nice ones, you will have realized there's more
than one potential mate for you, you will have had some fun, you will
have done some shit, and you will not even exactly remember what it
used to be like to be shy all the time. You will just have outgrown
it and you will never have to live through it again. You will still
be socially awkward at times or embarrassed or intimidated or even
swept off your feet by someone amazingly attractive, but you will
have shed so much unnecessary pain from your life, like shedding an
outworn skin, that it will be hard to believe you ever endured it.
Honestly. Life is good - go for it!
And so we'll simply
close by saying - Good luck, Mr. Shy Person! For this is not
the only way to approach women by any means but it is one specifically
tailored to your situation to cause you maximum success and minimum
distress. And so we all wish you many happy experiences with Other
People of all kinds including women. Have fun.....
More harrowing personal
love problems dissected here.....
prettyfedup.com