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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Nice Guy's Dilemma

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For years I’ve been a Nice Guy. A goddamn Nice Guy as a matter of fact. I’m not unattractive, I don’t have any major personality disorders, and I’ve never had the urge to stalk anyone. But, it seems, most women I’ve known have been attracted to the Insufferable Prick. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some really great relationships, but most of the time, I end up falling into the “friend zone.” I am sick of being the guy to whom women say “I want to find someone just like you...but not you, of course, because that would ruin our friendship.” I am fed up. So what do I do, turn into the Insufferable Prick? I don't want to, but WOMEN LEAVE ME NO CHOICE. Okay, thanks for letting me rant. And if you have any advice that would be cool too.

Oooh, what a great question. It has all the qualities the webmistress loves, a little personality, a little flair, nicely spiced with anger, fedupness, and despair - yet incredibly frequently asked. It also allows the webmistress a chance to tackle an Enduring Romantic Legend - and the webmistress loves doing battle with legends of all kinds. This is so great! All right, let's get to work on your problem.

First, a sudden hilarious pop quiz!

Hilarious Pop Quiz: What does a woman mean when she says she wants to be 'friends' with you?

Sobering answer: She means she does not want to have sex with you.

You knew this. You picked up on this, you figured it out. You are not stupid. You got the message. You didn't like the message but you got it. You got it so thoroughly that you are considering becoming an Asshole Prick or Insufferable Jerk or whatever you like to call those Other Guys That Are Always Getting Laid.

What you didn't do was realize that this little nugget of no-sex information holds the key to the phenomenon you are experiencing. As well as to its resolution and your eventual triumph.

Let's lay the logical groundwork for this assertion. You will love this because you are a Very Logical Male and logic will soothe you and make you feel better. Which is what we're in the business of doing here at when we are not otherwise busy making you feel worse.

Logical Groundwork #1: Sex is chemical. You may know this completely having experienced its chemical miracles and ravages. Or you may occasionally want to deny this insight and claim that sex is love-based or based on feelings of Mutual Compatibility, Respect, Regard and so on. You may claim you want a mate and not just sex. You may think friendship is More Important or that you personally have the kind of self-control and general respect for humanity such that you are not just seeking sex but true communion and soul-mateyness and so on. And yet you are crushed and disappointed when she says she 'just wants to be friends.' And this is because - you want the fucking chemicals! You've got the chemicals for her - she doesn't have the chemicals for you! That sucks! You hate it! What's wrong with her goddamn chemicals? What's wrong with yours?

Mutual Compatibility, Friendship, Support, Ability to Share Laughter, Ability to Talk With One Another, Respect, Regard, Affection - these are not incompatible with sex chemicals at all. In fact, sex chemicals enhance all these things wonderfully and deliriously. But if there aren't any fucking sex chemicals, there isn't any sex. And that's your problem. That's the 'friendship' problem. The friendship stays and the sex goes away. Or never gets started.

Logical Deduction #2: You have a chemical problem. This is so fucking logical it kills you. Of course you have a chemical problem! This is exactly what you suspected. You have a horrible, disfiguring, invisible chemical problem. You have a sign hung around your neck that says - Do Not Sleep With Me No Matter How Much You Like Me! You are a walking advertisement that says 'tell me about your boyfriend problems because god fucking knows you will never consider me for that job.' You are so sick of this. You hate this chemical problem. It is why you are angry and fed up and considering becoming an Insufferable Jerk.

What you didn't know is that your chemical problem can be solved. That's what has made you (and all your brethren) so hopeless. Nobody has identified your chemical problem clearly and concisely and told you step by step what the fuck to do to make it go away. They've tried. They've encouraged you to 'be confident' or 'act cool' or 'chicks love guys with money' and so on. They know it's all chemical and they are attempting to guide you toward behaviors that will alter your chemistry. But you don't want to. Everything they suggest is so unnatural and seems like it will lead to hooking up with Unnatural Women who just want to ride around in a Corvette convertible and drain your cash reserves, or who Don't Have a Brain, or Who Are Really Stupid and Just Want To Have Sex while they giggle a lot about their nail polish. Unnatural Women who Are Not Really Human - that's the glum prospect you are facing. Plus, the chemical alterations your friends suggest seem to involve changing your whole personality from being a Nice Guy into something really shallow and tasteless and fake and Totally Insufferable Jerk-Like. You are reluctant to go that route. You are pissed. You are starting to hate women. You need help.

So let's start our soon to be successful attempt to help you by insulting you at length. Let's get this part over with right at the beginning. You are in a bad mood anyway and pretty fed up - a few insults aren't going to make any difference now. So let's get them out of the way.

Insulting Assertion #1: It's not that attractive women are attracted to Asshole Pricks - They're Just Not Attracted To You! All right, some women are attracted to you. Just not the ones you want. There are lots of women attracted to you but they make you nervous and uncomfortable and you wish they'd go away. There's something wrong with them. And if by some unlikely chance what's wrong with them isn't immediately visible, its presence can be quickly deduced by the fact they are attracted to you.

Now we are not going to make some alarming and heartbeat-racing suggestion like telling you to look around and start being attracted to the Nice Girls who are attracted to you. (Yes! Nice Girls have the same chemical problem!) You don't want to do that. You don't want to start going out with some goddamn awful Nice Girl. It's not that they aren' know, incredibly nice and everything, it's just that...well, you know, you don't want to have sex with them. Yes, you are doing the same thing to women that women are doing to you. But who cares? Just because you're a Nice Guy doesn't mean you have to start worrying about all the Nice Girls in the world. That's boring! Let's focus on where your true interest lies - the incredibly attractive women who make incredible friends but would rather kill themselves than sleep with you on a long-term committed basis when instead they could be telling you all about their horrible problems with the boyfriends they actually love!
Let's get some big-picture perspective about Nice Guyness and Nice Girlness. In point of fact, most Nice Guys are very successful sexually. They spot a Moderately Nice Girl who appeals to them, snag themselves to her like Velcro and settle down as soon as possible into a long-term marriage type or boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship with her, stay that way, indulging in periodic sex, friendship, and just plain old being used to their companion for a long long time. Most Nice Guys are getting laid because most Nice Guys are taken. They are not in the market. You are. Different situation. Therefore you completely discount the vast horde of Nice Guys from your calculations unless you happen to be enviously eyeing their mate and wondering why you don't have one.


What's actually left in the market are all the Asshole Guys and you. Gives you pause, doesn't it. Sobering statistic. And of course if you start counting things then naturally the Asshole Guys are getting laid a lot more than you. That's what they do! That's their job! Of course, they are fucking getting all the chicks and discarding them like fast food burger wrappers. That's what they want! They're assholes! You don't want that. You're a different personality type. You are lazier. Your chemicals are worried about disease and yuckiness and entanglement and psychotic weirdo bitches and all kinds of other things their chemicals aren't the least bit worried about. Asshole guys play an important evolutionary role and they have a profile and there is an explanation for why they act the way they do. But you're not one of them. Forget about it. It's too much trouble and too dangerous for you to alter your chemical profile to become an Asshole Guy.

Insulting Assertion #2: You are actually Mr. Mediocre - which is the best possible deal for you - and a fairly good deal for almost everyone else. So breathe easy and stop worrying about turning into a prick. The mediocre rule the world and everybody loves them better. Take advantage of this evolutionary rule and start cashing in. But how...?

Recognizing that the problem is not Women and Their Psychotic Desire to Be Attracted to Jerks - the problem is You, will help. The problem is not your personality or even your Niceness, or your looks, or your job, or your bank account, your problem is Chemical Masking.

Yes, it's true, you suffer from the often hidden illness of Social Brain Induced Chemical Masking. We are going to put you through a rigorous program of Chemical Un-masking, rip off your Camouflaging Social Chemicals and reveal you to the women of the world in all your naked chemical glory! Boy is that going to make you nervous. But it will work.

However, since this a trademarked (and only recently patented) genuine Crackpot Theory, it's going to take a little explanation so you'll understand exactly how to rip off your Chemical Mask and attract the girl of your dreams. Normally, you wouldn't be able to endure all the explanation - and I wouldn't blame you - but right now you don't have a girlfriend and you don't have anything better to do. Plus, you really do want a goddamn fucking girlfriend. So you are going to bite the bullet and click on the link below.



Related Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:

Asshole Guys (and the women date them) Demystified!

How can I find true love, tell me now. How, how, how?

Now that I have a girlfriend, how can I dump her?

Special Vocabulary Word:

Your Social Brain. Helpful by-product of evolution or your worst fucking nightmare?


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