Special Bonus
Section!
Special Tips
for Getting Along with Mr. Fed Up and Mr. Fucked Up:
-
The
pretty fed up and pretty fucked up centers are meant to be enthusiastic,
courageous, energetic, optimistic, well-trained and in good, lean,
muscular shape. They are not meant to be vicious, surly, fat, lazy,
back-biting and malicious. If these things are happening, they need
to be taken out to the dog-run for some yelping, skampering, barking,
ungrown-up fun. Dig some Fucked Up Shit out of your back-pack, you
know you've got some in there. Toss it their way like a Frisbee,
so they can race excitedly after it, leap up into the air and catch
it for you. They love that shit. And you have to admit, even if
it's kind of funny, it's also fun to watch and kind of impressive.
Trot out your grudges and your petty resentments occasionally and
let fucked up and fed up chew on them, chase them, worry them like
a bone, growl and just generally do all that fun dog stuff.
-
The
pretty fed up and pretty fucked up centers have as their original
motto - 'To Protect and Defend!' not 'To Randomly Destroy
Anything In Our Vicinity Out of Sheer Frustration'. So even if there
is not anything particularly noteworthy going on in your life for
them to protect and defend, it is still a good idea to play with
fed up and fucked up. To go back to dogs - it is perfectly acceptable
to play with your dog, so it can practice defending you. Get an
old shoe, let it get it in its mouth, and then try to pull it out
while it fights you and shakes its head back and forth and growls.
Do this with old resentments or previous injuries you don't need
anymore. Like this: I WAS TOO GOOD AT SPELLING, MRS. MONKCRACKER!
I MEAN MRS. ASSCRACKER!' And so on. I WAS TOO....is a great old
shoe to be used against anybody who has ever insulted you in the
past.
-
Pretty
fed up and pretty fucked up are team players. They are naturally
bossy and aggressive, but they really like big projects and enjoy
working with other members of your body's team, especially if they
get lots of credit and the occasional medal for heroism and so on.
To keep them happy and out of the bars, you can give them big projects
to keep them busy even if you don't think much is going to come
of it. You could for example, tell them, 'Work with the rest of
the team to Improve Love Life!' Which could seem like a huge construction
project and waste of public funds if you don't actually have a love
life to improve. But they'll get right on it and work diligently
to clear obstacles for you. And the fucked up and fed up commanders
will say 'we are FED UP and FUCKED UP over the lack of adequate
love life facilities here. I want a better apartment, snap to it,
this is no fucking place to seduce a lady. I'm disgusted with you
fellows. Get on it.' And much to your surprise, they will have you
actually cleaning your apartment and installing furniture and investing
in some sort of decoration other than half-smoked joints. You will
really be surprised at the versatile talents of your personal soldiers.
They will be whipping up home-cooked and delicious meals for you
in no time if you give it to them as a project. It's a point of
pride with them to do this shit and do it well. They can be rivalrous
with your other Centers but they hate to let down the team!
-
Give
your fed up and fucked up troops the occasional That Was Very
Courageous Medal to keep them motivated even when they point
out something you really didn't want to hear, like 'Your current
lover constitues some seriously Fucked Up Shit.' 'Or you deserve
a better job and it is your goddamn fucking husband (or mother,
whoever) who keeps trying to convince you that it's not safe to
try and that my friend, is ALL FUCKED UP!' Fed Up and Fucked Up
get tremendously discouraged by lack of recognition and they will
get all malicious and eventually try to fuck up your life by popping
out at unexpected moments if they don't get enough attention. Save
yourself a whole lot of trouble by taking them out to the dog run
and yelling Good Dog! at them so they don't shit all over your carpet.
Just a thought.
-
Keep
them on their toes by treating them to the occasional dressing-down.
Shout, 'What, are you a fucking moron! That's dangerous!' or 'That's
stupid!' if they try to take you bungee-jumping for example, or
suggest that you punch your boss in the nose. They respect authority
and want to know you are paying attention. Occasional yelling makes
them feel that you still care.
-
Keep
in mind that their intentions are good but their tactics
are sometimes short-sighted or not completely well-informed. Play
president in your own mind and when they suggest 'Attack! Attack
the mother-fucker! Nuclear submarines!', solicit advice from your
Social Brain, and your Common-Sense module, and your Does This Really
Work Skepticism Center. They don't really like to run everything
because it makes them feel insecure. What they like to do is make
big pronouncements about Fucked Up Shit and advocate for your welfare.
They are really hoping someone who knows what the fuck they're doing
is in charge and it shouldn't be them. They are troops, not Ministers
of Fucking State.
-
They
like arguing and being decisive, effective, and competent in executing
a pre-determined plan. They would rather argue than reason, they
like clear-cut facts and black and white contrasts. They want
to be passionate and emotional in your defense and to know that
some other Center is going to handle being reasonable and thoughtful.
THEY LOVE YOU and they just want to show it by getting pissed off
at anything that messes with you. Thus they do not like chaos, lack
of structure, or lack of leadership at the top. They get extremely
grumpy when they feel overworked or like they have to take all the
load of making decisions for you. They can get really pissy with
you in that situation.
- They are not
political animals. That's for your Social Brain. Don't torture
them with nuances and nit-picky non-emotional little Practical Considerations.
They can be cheerleaders, albeit sometimes cheerleaders with hairy
legs. They can kick up those legs and shout 'WE WANT TO WIN!', but
they can't go to department meetings and get fifteen policy wonks
to agree on the definition of 'effective' in the phrase 'Effective
Transportation Policy.' Don't make them try. They will just fuck it
up.
-
They
are meant to kick the ass of Fucked Up Shit, not innocent children
and little puppies. They despise that picking on the weak and
helpless stuff. They want worthy adversaries, decisive battles,
and meaningful, sentimental and patriotic things to fight for. They
do not want to kick puppies. They hate that shit. If you are using
Fed Up and Fucked Up to scream at your 7-year old, they are going
to despise you. They'll do it because you are Commander in Chief
but they will not feel good about and they will make damn sure you
don't either. You can try to shout them down when they protest or
question your judgment, but will they not respect you and they will
work relentlessly to see that you don't respect yourself either.
A broken water heater is a worthy adversary - a little old lady
with a cane trying to cross the street to get to her hair appointment
is not. Scream at her 'Get out of the street you Fucked Up Bitch!'
and they will call you a pansy and a wuss and a sorry little turd
for the rest of your life until you apologize to them.
Enough! You and
Mr. Fed Up and Mr. Fucked Up are going to have to have all kinds of
happy fun with each other all on your own for a little while because
I am tired now and so are you.
|
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