people such stupid fucking scum? People are like a plague on the earth,
a virus, a parasite on this planet. I'm not kidding. Every last one
of us. We all suck. We are stupid fucking hypocritical slimeball scum.
We're genocidal fucking war killers, we destroy the environment, we
kowtow to stupid greedy corporations and the stupid greedy politicians
that enslave us, while we salivate and drool over the latest fucking
marketing scam. We're territorial, materialistic, selfish, uncaring,
conformistic moronic slobs who only think about fucking about brains
out and don't give a damn for the other guy, the suffering, the poor,
any of that. There could never be a just peaceful society with respect
for all individuals, we are too unevolved for that. If the aliens
ever come they should just wipe us out. It'd be better than the miserable
pollution-choked endless decay with which we're all going to destroy
ourselves anyway. Am I right or what? Why are people such miserable
packs of shit anyway?
Wow, what a divinely
bitter, over-the-top rant. Wow. Big words, complete sentences, big
confused ideas, swearing, insults, categorizing adjectives. Deep philosophical
questioning combined with incoherent sputtering rage and vague yet
meaningful concepts. Good work. May I compliment your brain on its
forthright engagement with one of the most difficult dilemmas of the
human condition? Of course I may. And I just did.
to brass tacks.
So what your brain
is doing is engaging in human-bashing. An ever-popular sport, particularly
among humans. If there is one thing on which people generally agree
- underneath it all - it's that they don't like humans. There is an
ever-present subterranean universal current of longing among all members
of our species and that is to belong to a much better one. Sorely
disappointing, the human race, and repeatedly so. There is a reason
for this. And I will even tell you what it is.
But first let's
talk about you. What is happening at the moment is that your
Universal Human Longing for Goodness module is pitching a fit. It
does that sometimes. And we need to deal with this before we get philosophical
and solve all the problems of humanity at once.
Human Longing for Goodness module is ensconced firmly in your brain
where it is nourished by neurons and neurotransmitters and chemicals
and electrical currents and connections to other parts of you such
as your emotions. It is currently active and the neurons and so on
are popping like firecrackers in a complete frenzy of helpless confinement
inside your brain. You are overloaded with transmitters that have
nowhere to go. We need to give them somewhere to go. Therefore we
need you to swear. Like this:
HELL SHIT FUCK DICK ASS COCKSUCKING HONKEY MOTHER FUCKING GODDAMN
PISSED OFF SHIT FUCK BALLS CUNT, etc. etc. for an entire paragraph
of five lines.
We need to detach
your chemicals from their desire to glue themselves to ideas that
will only upset them and get them to pop themselves peacefully into
contentment right in their own backyard where they are currently besides
themselves with rage that they are not somewhere else. This is the
Bubblewrap Theory of Rage Enjoyment. Bubblewrap feels much
better when you pop it. So do you. The same thing will happen with
your currently enraged Human Goodness chemicals.
a moment to swear now.
Very good. Now
that your neurons have rid themselves of their excess uncomfortable
transmitter, they are piped down and in a state of eager yet pleasant
anticipation for the soothing stimulation of new information that
is to come their way. And because we like your Human Goodness neurons
very very much we are now going to indulge them with the special treat
of a bedtime story of Their Origins and Where They Came From.
Everyone likes bedtime stories of their Origins and Where They
Came From! Your neurons are settling in for a cozy story even
So a long long
time ago, back in the dim mists of evolutionary time, evolution was
designing human beings. Just like you! And being the very very
clever mechanism for generating and propagating life on planet earth
that it was, evolution realized that in order to survive human beings
needed some mechanism that would allow them to get along with each
You see - evolution
realized that human beings don't survive and propagate very well in
clumps of one. It takes two to reproduce and even more to run a decent
dairy farm. And without dairy farms where will little chidren too
old to breastfeed get milk with its nourishing calcium to help them
build strong bones 12 ways? And so on. Even a relatively simple endeavor
like foraging for food becomes more complex when you take into account
the human need to devote time, energy, effort, resources, and calories
to caring for helpless infants. Really successful foraging requires
cooperation between more than one human. You may be able to forage
for food in your refrigerator more or less successfully solo but all
the effort that went into getting that food there required the talents
of many humans, some of which were devoted solely to figuring out
ways to package it that defy all normal efforts to get it out. Witness
child protection caps on aspirin. Making aspirin bottles that you
can't open requires the cooperation of multitudes, people!
And so it goes.
And so evolution, being the wise entity it was, realized that humans
needed some mechanism that would allow, even force, them into cooperating
with each other so that they could survive the harsh elements and
even each other. And that's where you come into play, you precious
little Human Goodness modules you. You were born, or cooked up, right
in that evolutionary cauldron so that you could help human beings,
a group you secretly love, to survive and grow strong and help each
other continue existence on an otherwise sometimes forbidding and
lonely planet. This makes you very happy because you like to be helpful
- which is convenient because that is what you were designed to be.
Now, the little
evolutionary Universal Longing for Human Goodness module was designed
to grow up through time and become very very very very strong!
And this is a good thing because you Goodness Modules are going to
have to do battle with a very Fiercesome Enemy! No good bedtime
story is complete without a very Fiercesome Enemy. Fortunately, you
You see, when
evolution was looking at how to help human beings survive, which is
what it does with every species, successfully or not, it realized
that the Universal Longing for Human Goodness was designed to help
humans survive in groups. Or more accurately, to help groups of humans
survive. It was not designed to look out for the interests of each
individual within that group. What a disaster! evolution said
to itself. No species can survive without a mechanism inside itself
that will allow each individual to struggle for its own survival even
if the group goes kaput or turns against it. It must have a very strong
mechanism to look out for its own interests, regardless of the interests
of others. My, my, said evolution, we must design and implant just
such a mechanism inside every human individual. And so it did. Some
people call that mechanism Selfishness. You can call it whatever
you like! It exists!
said to itself, the plan is this: The Human Goodness Module and the
Selfishness Mechanism will fight it out on everything from the most
trivial of matters to the grandest of all epic scales in human history,
day in and day out, henceforth and forevermore. And thus we will achieve
a balance that will allow the human species to survive and possibly
even grow, in good times and bad, throughout a wide variety of conditions,
through Goodness and Selfishness, for better and worse, in sickness
and health and so on and so forth. We will have our bases covered.
If the individual doesn't survive, the Goodness Module will fight
to ensure the group does, and if the group goes belly up the Selfishness
Mechanism will kick in and help the individual get through it.
And thus the titanic,
everlasting, and frequently mundane Struggle between Good and Evil
was hatched up under the banal pressure of simple physical survival.
By now, you have
deduced the answer to your question. Human beings are scum bags
due to the presence of the Selfishness Mechanism which your Universal
Longing for Human Goodness Module completely fucking hates and
just moments ago (before it got calmed down and cozy) was ranting
and railing against. It is destined to do battle with the Selfishness
Mechanism more or less throughout eternity and that is exactly what
it wants to do.
But that doesn't
really completely answer your question or soothe your Goodness Neurons.
There is so much more the Goodness Module wants to know about itself!
It wants to hear its whole mythic story because it is on a quest and
uncertain where to turn or how to proceed against the mighty obstacles
it faces. It is looking for guidance and comfort and advice and to
know how and where it belongs in the scheme of things. Sometimes it
feels very weak and discouraged and does not know how to capitalize
on its own strength.
you knew, after all, didn't you, that people are selfish?
You figured that out, did you not? And yet you couldn't accept it.
It didn't seem fair. It didn't seem right. You wanted to know why.
You wanted to piss and moan and rail against something so obvious
it hardly needs stating. And yet you needed to state it. Why is that?
You couldn't find a balance between the warring parts of yourself
or even come to terms with their very existence. And still you struggled.
Still you warred on, and swore, and fought, and screamed against things
you secretly believed you couldn't do a damn thing about. What's up
with your fucking Goodness Module and the Selfishness Mechanism it
hates so badly? What the fuck is up with these dudes? What is their
problem? Can't they just get along? Must they really war with each
other ceaselessly in such an exhausting and discouraging manner?
Or even more concisely, what exactly are you personally going to do
about your Longing for Human Goodness? Are you going to let it drive
you to endless ranting despair and unceasing bitterness against all
humanity, including yourself?
No, you are not.
Well, actually occasionally you are, but right now, you are going
to let it listen to the rest of the bedtime story about itself, so
that it can get to know itself better and figure out how to work with
itself so it doesn't get its neurons tied in a knot every other Tuesday.
You are going
Shake Hands with
Mr. Universal Human Longing for Goodness Module!
Hands with Mr. Universal Human Longing for Goodness Module!