Okay, so you need a Bubble of Delusion that overestimates
your potential success with Other People by about 20-30%. At this
level, you will experience some non-life-threatening disappoinmtent,
and heartache and disillusionment about 10-15% of the time. This is
because your slightly overpositive expectations will actually skew
your results so that people will react to you a little more positively
than they are otherwise inclined. They will cheat a little on the
subject of positivity toward you because your delusions are within
an acceptable range they can live with and they will be happy to nuture
your delusions in exchange for you nuturing theirs. This is a great
deal for everyone! Buy into it. Be a little more positive with
people than they deserve, a little more positive with yourself than
you deserve and everyone comes out ahead. You will like this system
a lot. Your Bubble will experience some wear and tear but it will
quickly heal and without major scarring.
As long as your
positive non-injury producing experiences with others outnumber your
negative painful ones by a healthy margin of about 5 or 6 to 1 then
you're in good shape. You can handle a margin of about 4 to 1 or even
3 to 1 but once you get any lower, you are having to spend around a
third of your time repairing your Bubble and that gets really rough.
Quantification
is important in this scheme. We like to quantify things and reduce
them to numbers and mathematics and logic here at prettyfedup.com because
it's really fucking helpful. And it's the numbers that are currently
causing you Suspicion Havoc. Here's why.
When you experienced
your Bubble Breach, that horrible life-changing moment of awful
realization, what happened was you overestimated how Other People were
going to treat you by a more significant factor, like 50-80%.
And that really fucked you up. It hurt like hell and even
worse, it called into question your entire ability to estimate at all.
To assess how Others would treat you. That huge discrepancy, that big
50-80% margin wherein you thought your husband really
loved you when it turned out he was fucking your best friend on your
living room couch every Thursday for 3 years, threw your whole system
into disarray. You thought you could trust your friends until they betrayed
you. You thought your parents loved you until they left town without
a forwarding address. Or what have you. It happens. You had some idea
of how things would work and you were seriously, disastrously, life-changingly
wrong.
It's the fact that
you were so wrong that really threatened your Other People Assessment
Gauge. That's why you had the big pain, the depression, the scarring.
Because now your body is suspicious of your ability to estimate at all.
It questions your judgment. If you listen, you can hear it doing this.
It doesn't trust you anymore. You think you don't trust Other People
-more frighteningly, you don't trust yourself. You now think of yourself
as being easily fooled. And you try to protect yourself against what
currently seems like a horrible flaw in your judging process, by being
suspicious of everyone else. This is a very reasonable strategy.
Except that it isn't
and it doesn't work. Because unfortunately, you rely on Other People
and you must make judgments as to how they'll treat you and you can't,
you simply can't operate without some sort of functional Bubble of Delusion
even if it is badly bruised. If you don't, you really will get depressed
and isolated and you'll potentially even become prone to very bad Under-estimating
Errors wherein you start thinking you're not worthy of anything and
you just want to kill yourself or drink yourself to death or whatever
really bad thing starts to develop in your life without that goddamn
necessary Bubble of Delusion.
So you are really
in a bind. So here you are, naturally, logically, and inevitably
Horribly Suspicious of Another Human Being who could expose the Terrible
Fatal Flaw In Your Bubble of Delusion Estimating Process, prove once
again how completely fucking wrong you are, reveal that agonizing Huge
Overestimating Error, potentially permanently break your Bubble beyond
all repair and kill you. And yet if you don't, if you don't, if you
don't trust that Other Person, you will die of loneliness, you cannot
live without them, you must, you must somehow believe that Other People
love you or like you or will treat you well, you must make an Estimate
and oh god, it feels like you ought to make a positive one, oh god,
what are you doing, are you making some kind of awful mistake again,
is it all going to go to hell again or are you going to be saved this
time and your Bubble repaired by love to its glorious pre-injury pristine
newness, oh god what are you doing, how are you going to live through
these agonizing suspicions, what are you doing?
What you are
doing, from your body's point of view, is playing Russian roulette.
You are holding a loaded gun in your hand, pointing it at your head,
5 chambers are empty and you'll live and one is loaded and will kill
you. No one wonder you are sweating blood. You have a right to.
It's an inherently nerve-wracking situation. It's no wonder you're getting
rattled and can't think straight. Survival issues will do that to you.
Some people get so fucking rattled by this process that they routinely
shoot themselves in the head! They charge ahead blindly, making
those same huge Overestimating Errors, spill their brains on the ground,
get crazy, go psychotic, wear out their friends and relatives with all
the I'm Dying drama and then go out and buy another loaded gun at the
first possible opportunity.
Fortunately for
our friends and relatives, most of us don't have the stomach for routinely
shooting ourselves in the head. We need a different system. And here
it is.
We are going
to recalibrate your Bubble of Delusion. We are going to fix its
delicate machinery so it works the way it is supposed to. This is possible.
We will do it. Here's how.
We are going to
prepare for the worst and expect the best. Like this. Simple concept
and we implement it like this:
First - prepare
for the worst. Maybe the Other Person that apparently likes you,
doesn't. Maybe they are lying. Some people do. Some people don't exactly
mean to lie but they are not all that great at communicating the truth.
Some people don't understand themselves very well. Sometimes things
change or people do and they change their minds. Sometimes love affairs
go bad. Sometimes you love someone more than they love you. It's not
great, but it happens. Sometimes people don't like you as much as you
wish they did.
If this happens,
if the Other Person does not like you as much as you think or as much
as they say they do, you will implement this survival plan. You will
get upset. You will be unhappy. You will cry if you have a taste for
it, take bubble baths, eat chocolate, whine and moan, and be disappointed.
You will justify, rationalize, brood a bit and come to the conclusion
it's just as well anyway, they weren't right for you and you didn't
really like them either. You will pitch a fit, you will be philosophical,
you will blame and degrade them, you will realize that you can survive
without them. You will join a gym, be annoyed, look for someone better,
examine your estimating process a bit, feel like hell, feel better,
get over it, repair your Bubble and move on.
You will do this
because you will have removed the one terrifying element from the equation
- which is not preparing yourself for Wrongness. You will have already
examined the phenomenon of Wrongness and concluded that it's a possibility
although not a fatal one. Using your handy-dandy 20-30% OverPositivity
Skills, you will cut the person a break, give them a 20-30% more generous
explanation for their lying faithlessness than they deserve and you
will downgrade the potential ego-killing explanations for their behavior
by the same margin. They dumped you? They just weren't ready for a relationship.
They lied? They have issues. It's not you, it's their own poor damaged
selves. It doesn't mean anything, not a damn thing, about your Estimating
Skills, because you already estimated that things could go wrong, that
people aren't perfect, that the world doesn't revolve around you, that
life goes on, and so on. Your Estimating Skills were, in fact, deliciously
on target. You knew, you knew, all along. You took a calculated good-faith
risk and it didn't fucking kill you. You knew you could sustain damage,
you knew how to heal it, and you didn't worry too much. You can survive
a broken heart with as much or as little drama as you'd like - as long
as you don't interpet it to mean there's something wrong with the fundamental
operating machinery of Your Overestimating Process.
Do this.
Prepare for the worst. Otherwise, you will be in such agony waiting
for the other shoe to drop that you will spray your Suspicions at the
Other Person like machine gun fire, kill them and any chance you had
as well. Drop that goddamn other shoe yourself. Don't tell yourself
that nothing can happen. Tell yourself that if it does, you will handle
it with your very favorite Unpleasant Things Coping Mechanisms. Once
you have lived through the worst that can happen, by deciding how you
will handle it, you will be able to sail forward with much less fear
than you imagined. Your body works a certain way. Deal with it.
You will never be able to convince yourself that bad things don't happen
- because they do. Convince yourself instead that they will not kill
you. Because they won't.
So that's step one.
Step 2 is wrestling your Bubble of Delusion down to a manageable size
so those goddamn 50-80% Overestimating Errors don't occur. If you think
this person is going to save you, or rescue you, or love you beyond
all your wildest dreams, or change your life, your soul, your essence,
your luck, never betray you, never annoy you, never misunderstand you,
never mistreat you, if you think they really really really like you,
if you think they're perfect, marvelous, romantic beyond all dreams,
that they mean it when they say they love you with a passion unequaled
in human history - then just fucking quit it! Forget that shit!
Honestly, right now, drop it. I said drop it! Drop that shoe, right
now. I'm not kidding, I mean it.
Forget about perfection.
Think instead of the best. The best possible outcome. Here's what the
best possible outcome is: they love you and treat you about 20-30% better
than you really think is realistic. Just about 20-30%. God, that's good.
Damn, that's good. That 20-30% margin is going feel incredibly fucking
great, once you get the hang of it. If someone treats you, or says they
love you, a whopping 80% better than you expect, you are going to sweat
and be nervous and uncomfortable and feel all out of whack and not believe
it and not really trust it no matter how much you want to. That kind
of a margin will play havoc with you. You will want to bounce away like
a scared rabbit - you will be incredibly, intensely fucking motivated
to fuck things up. You don't like those big margins, no matter how romantic
they are, or how much you are convinced you need them because you have
estimated yourself so low you think you need a huge margin to survive.
You don't. You
need a 20-30% margin in overestimating yourself and a more or less similar
amount from others. Okay, so your new honey is way more kind
and understanding, more loving, more verbally generous than you expect
and you are suspicious. Fine. Ratchet it down in your mind to the acceptable
level. They come over and listen to you whine psychotically about trivial
matters as though they really care and understand you? And that's driving
you crazy? Fine. Interpet this as - well, sometimes people don't mind
doing this - doesn't mean undying love and perfection, it means, well,
they feel somewhat positive about me and are willing to do it and I
enjoy it. No big whoop there but it's really quite nice. Doesn't mean
I've found someone whose entire purpose in life is to listen to me whine,
it means that a really enjoyable 20-30% of the time, they don't mind
it all that much. Because they're fucking human and they whine occasionally
too. Good deal.
Okay, so your
new girlfriend has stated out loud that she really likes you, wants
to continue seeing you, doesn't mind that you called, is glad to see
you and actually enjoys sex with you. Freaky weird. Okay, so it's
an odd sensation for you. Not what you have recently been used to. But...it
just means that, you know, you are reasonably about 20-30% better than
the guys she has been going out with, she likes that, consequently feels
relatively positive about you and would more or less like things to
continue seeing as there's that heart-warming 20-30% bump in positivity.
Doesn't mean you're the greatest lover of all time and now there's all
this horrible pressure. Doesn't mean that finally, finally, you are
saved. Doesn't mean you have found The Only Decent Non-Lying Woman on
the Planet and Now You Are Free From All Insecurity. It means something
far more wonderful. It means you have found an actual human being, that
for the moment, is enjoying you a healthy 20-30% more than she really
ought to, and that you are enjoying things yourself, an astounding 20-30%
more than you actually deserve. Not a nerve-wracking 80%. She will still
lie to you, people do - you will lie to her. She will get annoyed, so
will you. She will be disappointed, so will you. But it's still a good
fucking deal.
And this is what
you will expect. If she doesn't call - you will downgrade the negative
interpretation of this by - you guessed it - 20-30%. You will figure
she was busy or having her period or tied up or feeling insecure. Or
is having perfectly acceptable doubts. When she does call you, you will
upgrade your interpretation by - you guessed it - 20-30%. You will figure
she called you because she wanted to and she felt like it. Because,
occasionally, she likes calling you. You will not suspect some horrible
plot to snare and entrap you with seductive lying promises of faithfulness.
You will suspect that she called you to say hi because she wanted to!
You will not
tell yourself she is lying when she says she is falling in love with
you - because you will NOT believe that declaration of falling in loveness
means that she loves you 80% more than you can really handle. You
will believe instead, and this is important, that for her, falling in
loveness means that she feels about 30% more falling in loveness for
you than you were realistically estimating. Not undying love - 30% more
than you are used to. You will not bolt and run - because you will not
overinterpret events.
And so, naturally,
you are going to be a little wrong. 10-15% both ways. A few times, your
estimate's going to be a little too generous. And a few times, it's
going to a little stingy. She'll love you a little more than you think,
and a little less. But you will be close enough to reality to enjoy
all the warm, glowy buzz feelings of what's actually happening. She's
sexy. Or she's nice. He's comforting. Or he's protective. He or she
is fun. They make you laugh.
And over and
over again, you are just going to expect that they will treat you about
20-30% above neutral and you will interpret their actions this way and
you will be very very happy and things will work out well enough. And
when they don't...when you break up later or things cool down or the
bumps in the road hit, you will still interpret things with this
margin of positivity, you will cut them and yourself a break. And gradually,
through this process, you will get back to reality again, your Bubble
will heal, the dread spector of Terrifying Overestimating Errors will
shrink and vanish, you will feel like a normal human being, the clang
in your head will subside, and the scars of Your Previous Experiences
will stop snarling at This Person Who Actually Seems To Like You Too.
Okay, okay. Bottom
line. Time for a pop quiz on all we have learned. First question
- are we going to try to find out the real truth of how this person
that seems to like us truly feels?
No! No, no, no.
We don't like the truth. The truth is bad for us poor little
human beings. Remember how we talked about the infinite number of things
that could go wrong in the universe? If you try to get to the bottom
of all the potential ways this apparently nice human being could fuck
you up or fuck you over you will have to investigate an infinite
number of bad possibilities. You can't do it! It's physically impossible
to disprove an infinite number of negatives. You are not even going
to try.
2nd Question:
What are you going to do instead? Voice your fears and suspicions
in hopes they will be eased? No! You are going to chain
the Doberman! Doberman attack bad - choke chain good. The Doberman
loves you but we are going to keep it in the backyard where it will
not attack people and we will not get sued.
3rd Question:
What are we going to do when the Doberman really wants to attack
and the clanging in our heads gets really loud? Bail and run because
honestly no potential relationship could be worth all this inner agony?
No! We are going to make reasonable interpretations of the other
person's attitudes based on available evidence which we will then skew
in an entirely logical way by attributing 20-30% more positiveness to
them than we are really in the mood for. Note how insanely sensible
this strategy is. If the person seems to like you - and you interpret
this to mean they like you about 20-30% more than normal - well if you're
wrong, you're only wrong by about 20-30% if you rigorously keep your
own interpretations of yourself at the recommended level. You can fucking
handle a modest 20-30% dip! It's not going to kill you. If you're wrong
and the other person likes you an outrageous 60% more than normal
- you are still only off by a modest margin. You can adapt!
You can get used to that. It's not such a huge jump that it's like falling
off a cliff. If the worst happens and the other person psychotically
likes you 80-100% more than a sane person would or conversely dislikes
you by an insane 80-100% - well then you'd be in trouble anyway. You
can easily write off such a bewildering experience as an anomaly. And
that's exactly what you'll do. You will not do what a person
who hasn't fixed their Bubble would do - which is take an anomalous
experience as an indicator of True Underlying Reality - and therefore
develop a dangerously Overinflated or Underinflated Bubble. If you start
with your Bubble at the recommended baseline level, you can make incremental
adjustments with regard to this person by a factor of about 3-5% an
increment until you are really pretty fucking close to reality and can
live happily ever after. No large adjustments at a time! If the
other person doesn't give you a Christmas gift - adjust downward by
only 3-5% at a time - it's not the fucking end of the world. Adjust
slowly! If the other person gives you an engagement ring for Christmas
- adjust upward by only 3-5% at a time! It doesn't mean you'll
live happily ever after. It means it's time for a modest Bubble Adjustment.
See how this works to protect you on both sides? Estimating is a life
skill you use in all areas of your life. Hone that skill when it comes
to Other People. Practice, practice, practice. You'll come out a winner!
Final Question:
What do you do after you have finally wrestled that goddamn Doberman
into its choke chain and persuaded that goddawful Danger! clanging to
shut the fuck up and take a chill pill? What do you do after the shouting
in your head stops? Find something else to be paranoid about? No!
You get used to it, savor the tranquility, enjoy the reality you now
have a glimpse of, experience gratitude to life for bringing someone
to you who likes you 20-30% more than common sense would dictate, keep
your happy modest Overestimating Skills sharp by using them constantly,
and show off that glorious undamaged perfectly fucking beautiful Bubble
of Delusion to all your friends and relatives until they are truly sick
of hearing how happy you are. That's what you do.
Keep the Doberman
chained! Prepare for the worst. Expect the best. Heal the Bubble.
Have a good time.
And enjoy.
prettyfedup.com