Step #3: Communicate
your desire to not meet people.
Once you have practiced
not meeting people in public and become very unapproachable, grumpy,
unfriendly, and generally intimidating to people you don't like, it's
time to start aligning your medium with your message. In other words,
now that you know how to act like you don't want to meet people
now it's time to talk like you don't want to meet people. Once
you have become thoroughly comfortable with the fact that you do not
have to meet people and you don't really want to anyway, it's time to
tell your mother this. A little honesty is always surprising to mothers
and generally good for their heart rate since nothing brings it down
like the aftermath of those sudden spikes of panic in which she vividly
imagines that you will remain single forever.
Since you don't
know how to explain your new policy to your mother, we'll provide a
sample conversation for you.
Your Mom
(calling you up to harass you): You'll never meet anyone sitting at
home.
You: I
don't want to meet anyone.
Your Mom:
What do you mean, don't be silly. Of course you want to meet someone.
How about that guy at the grocery store?
You: I
don't like meeting people. I don't actually like people at all. The
only people I like are the ones I already know and not all of those
as a matter of fact.
Your Mom:
You're so silly. Of course you like people. Don't be silly.
You: No
I don't. Do you? Be honest, you don't like people either.
Your Mom:
Of course I like people.
You: Uncle
George.
Your Mom:
Not all people. I didn't say I like all people. You're just cynical.
You need to get out.
You: I'm
not opposed to getting out. I just don't want to meet people.
Your Mom:
Of course you want to meet people. How are you ever going to find
someone to settle down with if you don't meet people? You're not getting
any younger you know.
You: They
can find me.
Your Mom:
Oh that's ridiculous. What do you expect, the perfect man's going
to knock on your door and propose?
You: Yes.
Your Mom:
Well it's not going to happen. You have to meet people.
You: But
Mom....I want it to happen. That's exactly what I want to happen.
Your Mom
(momentarily defeated by your logic into a certain amount of sympathy):
Oh honey, that's what everyone wants to happen. But it doesn't work
that way.
You: Okay,
I'll cut you a deal. Since I don't want to meet people, but you do,
why don't you meet them for me? And when you've met the perfect person
for me, let me know. Just handle all the logistics for me, would ya?
You've always been good at that sort of thing.
Your Mom:
Darling.....
You: Look
Mom, I've got to go. The cat's throwing up. Good talking with you.
Now you make
think to yourself, why the hell would I want to have a conversation
like this with my mother? The answer is, you wouldn't. But since
she's your mother and she's going to talk to you anyway, we have subliminally
accomplished several important things in this otherwise mundane and
depressing conversation. First of all, you have planted an implicit
command in your mother's brain to do the actual work of meeting people
for you. She may or may not realize it, but she is now robotically programmed
to do just that. It's inescapable and she will not be able to resist.
Secondly, she will
now go out and meet people for you - which believe me, is way way way
better than having her try to get you to meet them while she is around.
You so much prefer that she goes out and meets people for you behind
your back than that you find yourself in a public place with your mother
frantically trying to force you to meet someone in an embarrassing fashion.
Putting a stop to that scenario and channeling her energies toward meeting
people for you while you are not around is going to add years to your
life all by itself.
Thirdly, once she
has committed god knows what kind of incredibly humiliating social faux
pas to meet some person she has her eye on for you, she will endeavor
to arrange somehow for you and this person to come in contact. Now ordinarily
you would not like this, because you would be so embarrassed on your
mother's behalf and it would rub off on you and make you feel like a
loser. That's because you used to be laboring under the idiotic impression
that it was somehow necessary and socially desirable to for you to meet
people yourself instead of having other people do it for you. You
were so stupid back then! Now that you know that every person you don't
meet is as good as cash in the bank, you really don't give a fuck what
kind of horrifying thing your mother did to meet this person she's trying
to set you up with. That's her problem. She's the one that met them.
It doesn't rub off on you at all. You told her you didn't want to
meet people. This is your ace in the hole. You are going to say
to the person she's trying to force on you - I told her I didn't want
to meet anyone. You will say it pleasantly, tolerantly, maybe even silently,
and yet you will get it across confidently and definitively. Not the
other person's fault you are going to reject them - it's your mother's
fault because she didn't follow your instructions.
Now think how
much more aloof, desirable, and hard to get this is going to make you
seem than if you said something like: You (embarrassed): My mom's
always trying to set me up. She thinks I don't date enough. Well, actually
she thinks I don't have any friends and I don't date enough. Etc. Etc.
Give an explanation like that and you are going to feel and act like
the loser your mother thinks you are. You are, in fact, going to endure
an incredibly excruciating Meeting People Moment. You hate that! It's
so awful. Avoid it. You must buy out of the idea that you are desperate
to meet someone and into the idea that you don't want to. This is
an age-old secret for fnding love. Stop looking for it.
Note that since
this is someone your mother picked, you automatically have a strong
desire to dislike them and blow them off. This is so perfect! It's going
to make it so much easier for you to be a snot. You don't want to
like anyone your mother wants you to like! Thus, you will reveal
your true snotty self, rather than your untrue I need to meet someone
self and any hapless person who can stand you for even a moment as yourself
is almost exactly like someone you know instead of like someone you
have to meet. You will never have to go through an excruciating Meeting
People Moment at all. Most of the people your mother tries to force
on you will immediately sense trouble on entering your vicinity and
run for the hills - good! Anyone else that survives will be so
cool and so unlike someone your mother should want you to like that
they won't even count as someone your mother introduced you to. Best
of all, all of this scaring of the unfortunate and potential contact
with the cool and desirable will take place without any effort on
your part whatsoever! This is what life is all about. Getting other
people to do the jobs they want to do and you don't!
Now you simply need
to learn to communicate your now more enlightened outlook on not meeting
people to everyone in your life. Casually. Not as a big deal. Simply
as an ordinary element of your personality. You don't have to announce.
Simply having the attitude and allowing bits of it to shine through
in your sparkling conversation will do the trick. E.g., You: God, I
need a fucking girlfriend! Your friend: I've got this girl you can meet.
You: Yeah, I don't like meeting people. Your friend: Yeah, but she's
cool. You: Yeah, I just don't want to have to meet her. Your friend:
I hear you. But you'd like her. You: Yeah. Just as long as I don't have
to...you know...I just hate the process of meeting people. Your friend:
Okay, well she's my girlfriend's friend and anyway, I'll tell her to
bring her by when Sheila comes over for lunch tomorrow. You: Yeah...just
as long as I don't have to meet her or anything. Your friend: I'll bring
her by your cube. You: Okay, but yeah...I'll probably be on the phone
and not say hi or anything. Your friend: I'll just bring her by, you
can see her, you don't have to say hi. You can see her. You: Okay.
God, you're so
fucking brilliant! Did you see how you manipulated your way into having
a single female delivered right to your cube without you even having
the obligation to say hi? You are such a master at this you ought
to be outlawed! I am outraged at your blatantly selfish and calculating
behavior. And I want you to keep it up with every person you know. People
will tell you things like 'you've got to kiss a lot of frogs to find
your prince.' You need to be prepared to tell them 'I don't want to
kiss any fucking frogs. I want the prince, that's it's, period.' If
you run around believing that you're going to have to meet a bunch of
fucking frogs - that's exactly what will fucking happen. People will
ruin your life with their stupid opinions about things like this - don't
let them! Ruin theirs instead. Subliminally program them to do all your
meeting for you.
Expect that your
master plan will take a while to pay off, since people in general are
very enamored with the frogs and meet a lot of people you won't like
theory of happiness attainment. But if you keep repeating your position,
it will worm its way into the brains of everyone in your environment.
Eventually people will subconsciously start to screen, they'll subconsciously
start to do a lot of the work they originally thought you should be
doing, they'll deliver people to your door and they won't even realize
they're doing it.
Like all spectacularly
lazy manifestations of genius, this sneaky underhanded plan for
getting other people to do the meeting for you will take time to fully
bloom - but once it does - you'll never have to get out of the house
again. People will literally be bringing prospects to your door for
your perusal. It's a good thing.
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