You are nervous.
You have just said '[Insert girl name here], I need to talk to you
about something.' Good job! Excellent use of the 'talk' word.
You are such a stud. Now what the fuck do you do?
Answer:
You say - "I feel like it's not working out between us and I
don't think we should see each other any more."
Pretty fucking
simple.
Now the fireworks
start. Since you want to put off the fireworks, we'll give you a break.
You may feel the need for a choking, dry-mouth pause between 'I need
to talk to you about something' and 'It's not working out.' Particularly
if you caught her full attention with your introductory dumping sentence
and it is now fixated warily and vaguely threateningly on You. If
so, you may insert a Buffer Phrase between Announcement
of Intention to Implement an Alarming Change and Revelation
As To The Exact Nature of That Alarming Change. You may use Buffer
Phrases such as 'you probably already know what I'm going to say...'
or 'This is really hard...' or 'you look really nice tonight...' or
'does this taste like a diet coke to you? I ordered diet but it tastes
regular.' or whatever else your fevered overtaxed brain can come up
with to put things off. 'I wanted to wait until your parents left
town....'
The Buffer Phrase
allows the girl a few extra minutes to prepare, to internally decide
that she never fucking liked you and doesn't care what you're going
to say, to prime the eyeballs for tears or whatever other preparatory
steps she might like to take. And my aren't you courteous to give
her those few extra moments to search for a weapon with which to combat
your Alarming Changes. Yes, you are.
Keep your Buffer
Phrases neutral! Don't get overexcited and use inflammatory phrases
like 'You probably won't care what I'm going to say since you're a
cheating whore anyway....' or 'Now don't get all fucking excited or
anything....' or 'I know you're not going to like this, but....' or
anything else that intrudes on the other person's territory. Don't
fucking tell the other person how they're going to react. Keep your
editorial comments to a polite minimum! As in 'that cheeseburger looks
good' not as in 'you're a totally supergreat person and everything
but....' Can it! Keep a lid on your feelings! You're
a man! Live up to the pernicious throttling stereotype that you don't
have any feelings and can't express them anyway; this little stereotype
is your handy dumping situation structuring friend right now.
Take a deep breath.
Calm down. Say 'I feel like this is not working out between us and
I don't think we should see each other any more.' Very good!
Now it's time
for her to react. She might not do this for a bit. She may blink and
absorb. Or she may react instanteously. Either way, you need to be
prepared.
If she doesn't
react - keep your mouth shut! The less you have to say while
you are dumping someone, the better. Do not attempt to fill up
the silence with explanations! Keep yourself quiet by breathing.
A moderate sigh is perfectly appropriate. A run-on sentence such as...'See
I was just thinking we've been fighting a lot and having all these
problems and you know, you've got a really bad temper and everything....'
is not. Remember this. Be quiet! Shut the fuck up! Tape this
Be Quiet advice to the inside of your head and rehearse it at least
50 times before you enter the break-up situation. Like this. You,
inside your head: 'Okay, remember to be quiet. Keep calm. And be quiet.
Just keep calm and be quiet. Quiet and calm, that's the ticket. Real
quiet. No need to say a lot, ho no, that's a recipe for disaster.
I'll just keep pretty quiet...' And so on. Breathe while rehearsing.
Again--You, thinking: 'Not a lot of explanation needed, just it isn't
working out and I don't think we should see each other any more....'
And so on.
Now you are ready
for her to actually react. Which she will. No telling how. She may
say 'Yeah...you're right. I had a feeling it wasn't working out. Okay.
Let's not see each other any more.'
This is terrible
when this happens! You put all this effort into preparing and
building it up in your mind and what do they do? Roll over and fucking
play dead. No wonder you fucking wanted to dump her, she's a lump.
Talk about your fucking lack of passion. Didn't she care about you
at all? Didn't she even have any fucking feelings for you to hurt?!
And what the fuck does she mean 'okay, let's not see each other any
more.' What does that mean? That you weren't any good in bed? Oh yeah,
well for her information, she wasn't anything to write home about
either! What kind of a fucking blow-off is 'okay, yeah, right, it's
not working out...'? Bitch! You hate it when you dump someone and
they don't even fucking care!
On the other hand,
you're very relieved. So bring this deflating dumping experience to
a quick end by not expressing any true feelings whatsoever. Murmur
polite I'm Never Going to See You Again phrases like 'you're a really
nice person and I enjoyed going out with you' or whatever, little
polite you're great phrases and then get the fuck out of there. Allot
approximately five minutes for polite closure phrases. Then wrap
things up, go home and sulk. Sulk furiously for at least half an hour.
Come up with a detailed list of their flaws and why you're so fucking
glad you dumped them. If necessary, repeat once a day for a few days.
Then dance around joyously in complete fucking freedom! You dumped
them! You win! You're so great! You don't have a girlfriend! You're
so bored and lonely. You'll never get laid again. You need another
one. Now you'll have to go find one. Life sucks. And so on. Congratulations
on a successful dumping experience. You rock!
Of course,
it could go much differently....
The most common
reaction a dumpee will have is The Search for Reasons. This
could be the calm and intimate Search for Reasons between two people
who have been with each other for 10 years. It could be the hysterical
Search for Reasons by someone who is furiously angry with you. It
could be the tearful Search for Reasons by someone who is surprised
and devastated. But the instinct to Search for Reasons is pretty hard
for most people to ignore. The Search for Reasons will frequently
show up in the 'Why? But why do you want to break up?' question. So
be prepared for it.
In fact, against
all my previous advice, you have been preparing for it already. You
have wasted anywhere from an hour or two to several agonizing months
Searching for Reasons you can use during the dumping situation. You
have been trying to answer for yourself the 'Why?' question. That's
why you went to a search engine and typed in 'How The Fuck Do I Dump
My Girlfriend?'. Because you have naturally and competely normally
devoted so much thought to Reasons that you have freaked yourself
out. The truth is, when you are actually dumping someone you don't
need a why.
You may need it
before you dump them because your own personal internal Search for
Reasons is an important part of the pre-breakup process. You need
it, your mind needs it, to make sense of the decisions you make in
your life. But it's completely irrelevant to actually dumping someone.
In reality, there are 3 reasons why you are dumping this person. They
are:
1)
She's not the One.
2)
It's not the right time.
3)
You are all fucked up.
That's it. All
your most difficult breakups, the most heart-wrenching, agonizing,
kids are involved, I am afraid this woman will kill me, I wish it
could work out, I don't know how I feel, and so on breakups all come
down to those 3 reasons. The hard part is often the extensive
'How I am Determining This Person Is Not the One' analysis phase.
This can take a long time. Even when it is perfectly fucking obvious
to everyone who knows you and quite a few people who don't that of
course this chick is not the One. But we are not here to discuss the
analysis phase right now. You've hopefully completed it. Actually,
you probably haven't but you've got to take action anyway because
sometimes that analysis will never complete itself on its own.
The It's Not The
Right Time reason also comes into play - yeah sure maybe things could
be different if they were different but they're not. So it's not the
right time. Maybe it could have been the right time some other time
but that other time isn't happening now so it's not the right time.
And thirdly, you
are all fucked up. This is just a natural part of the dumping situation.
Maybe you are all fucked up because this person has cheated on you
twice. Maybe you are all fucked up because she has thick calves and
that fucking bugs you. Maybe you are all fucked up because you always
have been and always will be. Maybe you are all fucked up because
she's unhappy and you are tired of it and it is making you unhappy
too. Maybe you are all fucked up because she's Catholic and you're
Jewish and you didn't think that mattered but now it does and you're
all fucked up about it. Something is fucking you up or you wouldn't
be dumping her.
People stick with
Other People who are not the One and when things aren't right all
the fucking time. Sometimes for decades. It's only when they decide
to get all fucked up about it that they do something like get the
hell out. You have gotten all fucked up and so you are getting out.
These are the
only reasons for dumping someone that count and none of them are of
any interest whatsoever to the person you are dumping.
This little insight
is important. You are going to be incredibly tempted to explain to
them a) why they are not the One; b) why it's not the right time;
and c) that you are all fucked up. None of these explanations is helpful
to the dumpee. So skip them.
When the dumpee
asks 'Why?' say 'I just feel like it's not working out.' When they
say 'But why?' say 'You know it's hard to really explain completely
but basically I just feel like things aren't working out....'
At this point,
they will be extremely motivated to float Tester Reasons. "Is
it because my parents criticized you for not having a job? Because
you know they're like that, but they don't really mean anything..."
"Have you found someone else?" "Because we're fighting
all the time?" "Is it because you think we never have sex
anymore? Because I tried to explain that this anti-depressant medication...."
And so on.
Politely and
neutrally acknowledge their Tester Reasons without giving an affirmative
answer or outright denial if possible. "Well, yeah, your parents
don't like me that's true but it's more....you know...I just feel
like things aren't really right and just overall it's not working
out in a good way...." "Yeah, I have met someone, but mostly
it's that I just feel that between us things weren't really working
out you know..." or "I'm not seeing anyone else, no, but
you know, I feel like you know, since you and I aren't really...you
know it's not working out exactly and it's time we stop seeing each
other and see other people..." Etc.
This is going
to drive the Other Person crazy. Because what they want and what
you must not give them is a clear and definite Why You Don't Think
I'm the One Reason that they can argue with and prove wrong. They
know you think they're not the One and they want to know exactly fucking
why and furthermore they want to prove that you are completely fucking
wrong about it and you goddamn well better bet they sure as fuck are
the One. Because they think not being the One is a flaw that is not
only taking this relationship away from them but is going to doom
all future ones they might embark on. This is a threatening idea and
they really don't like it. It hurts.
This is why you
are not going label them with a You Are Not the One Reason. Even if
you have figured out your Reasons for yourself. Don't fucking give
them reasons why you are dumping them! It leads nowhere. For their
own personal sanity and health they need to come up with a suitable
Why He Didn't Think I Was the One Reason that will not doom their
future relationships. That's their job, not yours. You don't know
what reason will serve them best in this endeavor. It might be the
He Didn't Think I Was the One Because He is A Complete Asshole
Reason. It might be the We Were Just Not Compatible reason. It
might be the He Had Serious Issues Reason. It might be the I Need
Someone More Intellectual Reason. It might be the Men Are Pigs Reason.
It might be the Long Distance Relationships Are Too Hard to Sustain
Reason. It might be the He Was Too Close to His Family reason. It
might be the He Really Loved Me But Was Too Immature to Realize It
Reason.
They are going
to have to figure it out for themselves on their own time. Your attempts
at giving them reasons might seem only fair but they are just going
to hurt them. So skip it. Your Reason is That You Just Don't Feel
Like It Is Working Out. That's it. That's it because no one can
argue with it. It doesn't blame them, it doesn't blame you. And
it can't be proven wrong. There is no fucking way to prove that
you actually do feel like it's working out but you are just lying
so you can break up with them. They can try, but every attempt to
win the argument is doomed to failure - there is just no fucking way
to prove that you feel like it is working out. This is an Ironclad
Out - it is Your Get Out of This Relationship Free card.
Blame them and
they can fight back. Blame yourself and they can argue you with till
the cows come home. Blame nothing and they are stymied.
Since they are
stymied, it is important not to leave them hanging without any Reasons
to clutch onto whatsoever. That's why you acknowledge all their
Tester Reasons. Maybe they really do have a problem wherein they
fly into a jealous rage at the slightest provocation and maybe that
really is hard to deal with and maybe it really is a major You Are
Not the One and I Can't Fucking Take It Anymore Reason. But it's not
going to do you any good so far as dumping them to explain this to
them. So don't. But if they say 'You know I'm sorry I got so
mad about that girl where you work, but I just didn't understand why
she had to stand next to you the whole time and everything and I swear
to God, I promise I won't get jealous anymore.....' then you say....'Yeah.
Well that's good and everything because you know it was hard how it
seemed like you felt jealous over so many things but mostly it's more
that....between you and me, I just don't feel like it was working
out."
If
they tell you they love you, acknowledge it, and if it's absolutely
fucking necessary to say something else, say some variation on the Not
Working Out phrase. If they promise to change, acknowledge it and repeat
your magic phrase. If they get screaming mad, acknowledge and repeat
your phrase. If they cry, say I'm sorry, and shut up until the time
comes when they want you to say something and then repeat your phrase.
Think of about at least 12 variations on the Not Working Out phrase
before entering a volatile dumping situation.
-
"I
really like you. It's just not working out."
-
"I
wish it could work out but I feel like really it just isn't going
anywhere and it's not really...."
-
"Maybe
if I was in a different time in my life it could have worked out
better, but right now I just don't think this is right."
-
"I'm
not blaming you for anything, it's just that...it's not right for
me."
-
"Honestly,
Eliza, I don't know. I can't explain it completely. I just feel
like you and I are not...on the same wavelength and it's just not
really...."
-
"Maybe
I do have certain issues with my ex-girlfriend, maybe that's true.
But the bottom line is this is just something I can't....I don't
feel like it is working out."
-
"Yes,
you are right, the times you spent in rehab and the various mental
institutions were difficult. But more than that, between you and
I...there just isn't...I don't feel like it is working out."
-
"Blah,
blah, blah, it's not working out."
-
"Yada,
yada, yada, it's just not right."
-
"etc,
etc., etc. and I just feel like we need to stop seeing each other."
Note several
things about this polite and neutral disentangling yourself strategy.
1) You don't get
to say all those negative things that are your real reasons for dumping
them that you have carefully built up in your mind, all the issues,
all the things they did wrong, all the accusations you have, all the
doubts, all the regrets and so on. You don't get to hash things out,
you don't get really get closure whatever the hell that is, you don't
get jack. You just get out. You are cutting the cord. This is why
we had you say them to yourself before you dumped them. If you have
friends and acquaintances, you can say some of them afterwards to them
if you think it's safe. 'Oh man, she was such a bitch. I got so fucking
tired of her dogging me all the time.' Or whatever. You can also sometimes
say some of them to the actual dumpee once the dumping process has been
successfully completed. Once you are truly broken up, you and the other
person can get together, if it's been a close relationship and do some
post-mortem. You can laugh or hash out or indulge in a little bittersweet
regret or what the fuck ever. Afterwards. If it's an important relationship
and they're amenable you can figure out what the hell went wrong. Once
the cord is cut. Not while you are cutting it. If you start thrashing
around with reasons while you are performing girlfriend-removal surgery,
the knife is going to fucking slip and blood is going to go spurting
everywhere. There is nothing like trying to perform surgery while you
are busy hacking yourself with your own scalpel, and the other person
just so happened to fucking bring theirs along too and is now trying
to gouge your eyes out with it. If you don't believe me - go ahead,
indulge in a reasons-laden fest of explanations, accusations, regrets,
and historical fucking analysis. I dare you. In fact, the truth
is, you really ought to do this at least once in your life so you will
completely understand why you never need to do it again. By the way,
try to arrange for this exercise in dramatic and painful romantic soul-searching
before your first divorce. Believe me, it will save you a ton
in alimony costs down the road. Just a handy bonus financial tip from
an expert.
2) The polite and
neutral disentangling yourself strategy will make you sound lame. It
will also make you sound like more of a feeling person than you may
really be. And due to the lack of blame and accusations, it may also
make you seem like a nicer, more gentlemanly person than you really
are. Deal with it! This happens. Occasionally you may stumble
onto rules for social interaction that make you look like you're more
together than you really are. This is just a hazard of growing up. Don't
worry, nobody who really knows you is going to start thinking you're
nice and gentlemanly or a feeling person or any lamer than you usually
are. The fact that you are handling the break-up in a smooth, almost
professional manner, may also make it seem like you are a colder person
than you really are, or more practiced at this sort of thing. A serial
dumper. A cold-hearted fake. If people start looking at you warily for
this reason, you can always correct it by some well-timed emotional
angst for public consumption. Let's say you dumped your actual girlfriend
partly because you had your eye on her much much better friend. If this
attractive friend appears wary that you don't seem more broken-up or
that the dumping scene went so smoothly on your side, then simply announce
at an opportune moment in front of your prey 'God, I'm so devastated!
Breaking up with Alicia is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!
I'm so torn up about it!' Etc. Say this sincerely, or loudly, or unconvincingly,
as befits your style. The point being you can always counteract the
impression that you are a hip cool dumping machine by later pretending
that you were just holding your feelings inside! Yet another bonus
tip from an expert.
3) Note also that
your actual dumping phrases are softer than your announcing phrases.
'Feel', 'we', 'just', 'think', etc. Not 'gonna', 'have to', 'must',
'bitch', and so on. Once you've done your initial announcing you can
back off. As long as you are persistent that nothing can change your
mind and convince you that you do feel like it is working out, you can
say 'i think we need to see other people,' all you want. Because it
will soon become clear that they can't convince you otherwise. You can
float buffer words like 'kinda', 'sorry', 'nice', 'almost', etc. all
around the conversation once the steel spine of I'm Going To Leave You
is firmly in place. Just because you are carrying the big stick of dumping
doesn't mean you can't wrap it up in fluffy cotton before you bash them
over the head with it. As a bonus, a padded weapon leaves fewer scars,
making it much harder for the authorities to detect that you were the
attacker. Remember this! No need to get over-excited about being
subtle, but subtlety and reasonableness are your friends when she starts
making a public scene and many people are glaring at you. Practice looking
calm and reasonable in the mirror just in case you need it when the
cops are called.
Next, the answer
to the question you really want to know....what to do when she
cries.
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Now!
As a special bonus prettyfedup.com is proud to offer the companion FAQ
to the very popular Dumping Series:
Should I, in fact,
dump my girlfriend at all?
Dumping
Table of Contents:
Option
#1:Dumping
by Avoidance
Disadvantages
of Option #1:Horrible
Alien Freak Cycle
Option
#2: Dumping by Talking
Using
the Talk Word to Dump Your Girlfriend
Exactly
What To Say
What
to Do When She Cries
Selecting
the Proper Breakup Location
More
FAQs For No Apparent Reason:
Why
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Is
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Why
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Why
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How
can I tell how fucked up I am?
What's
War Got To Do With It?
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