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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Oh the complexities of Fucked Up Shit...

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Topic o' the Day - Fucked Up Shit!


Fucked up Shit - What the hell is it exactly?

Fucked Up Shit is one of the primary constituents of life on planet Earth. It consists of everything about life that you don't like. Or more precisely, anything you don't like at any given moment. Including things that do like at other given moments which don't happen to be the moment when you don't like them. For example--

Other people. Dogs that bite. Criminals. Cloudy days. The IRS. High consumer interest rates. Terrorist attacks. Rape. Stupidity. Anxiety, despair, restlessness and the inability to find your keys. Car theft. Aging. Cancer. Parents. Children. Loved ones of all sorts. Death. Worry. Envy, jealousy, greed, hopelessness, unfounded optimism running smack into predictable disappointment. Dating. Drug addiction. Bad brain chemistry. Microsoft. Winter. Malfunctioning home appliances. Self-doubt. Suicide. The inability of the waitress to take your order correctly. Traffic. Stress. Hatred. Racism. Losing. Failure. Embarrassment. Lack of mate. Possession of bad mate. Ignorance. Getting lost while camping. Getting lost while in the parking lot. Fatness and personal ugliness. High prices. The insufferable egotism of the annoying. Disagreements. Hurt feelings. Bad movies that cost 9 dollars to see. Watered down drinks. Car crashes. Injuries. Alzheimer's disease. Republicans. Liberals. The entire cast of Friends. The tune to "It's a Small World." Meanness. Killer sharks. Hurricane Andrew. Britney Spears. Politicians. Your next door neighbors. Getting dumped. And so on. And so on.

Pretty simple. OR SO YOU'D THINK......

Actually, it's more complicated than that because Fucked Up Shit is a devious little sucker and it just wants you think it's very simple. Fucked Up Shit is not actually any of the things above, it's actually the tiny little moments of unpleasantness and agony you personally experience when you and Fucked Up Shit accidentally find yourselves in close proximity.

As in the Fucked Up Shit of getting dumped is not, despite what you'd think, blatantly out in the open dancing on the tables every time the words 'Getting Dumped' flash across the screen of your life. No, it's hiding in the back snickering at you during a whole thoroughly unpleasant series of moments in which you are saying things to yourself like 'oh fuck me i am such an idiot, i thought this person liked me. oh god i am too stupid to live. i am so hideously embarrassed. i am such a fucking fool. correction - i am a soon to be agonizingly lonely fucking fool. i hate life. i hate this person. why did i ever think i liked them? they obviously never liked me.' and so on.

It's not the Shit that puts the 'Fucked Up' in Fucked Up Shit - it's the experience of not fucking liking it that puts the Fucked Up in Fucked Up Shit. In other words, shit's just shit -there's lots of it, good and bad, it's the experience of fucking hating it that makes it so goddamn fucked up.

And this gets confusing when you are trying to root the Fucked Up Shit out of your life, stomp on it like a bug, smash it into little tiny pieces and make it go away. Because your brain is specially designed to Think Big when it comes to Fucked Up Shit. Fucked Up Shit is like a virus in your system that cleverly induces your brain to look elsewhere so your brain can't find it and kill it. And therefore it seduces your brain into identifying big glumps of your life as Fucked Up Shit so the actual Fucked Up Shit can hide. Like this--

Let's say your job is cleverly masquerading as Fucked Up Shit. If you work an 8 hour day or a 40 hour week the Your Job glump is a pretty big glump of stuff in your life. That's 40 fucking hours a week in which the actual Fucked Up Shit can hide! From the Fucked Up Shit's point of view it scores big with this one. From your point of view, the actual Fucked Up Shit may be various items such as the actual experience of working on the weekends to catch up. You hate that Fucked Up Shit! You hate working on the weekends! You hate catching up! Why can't they leave you alone and give you less work? Why can't you just be uncaught up and nobody give you any shit about it? Why won't life work that way? Why won't it? And so on.

However, in many cases, you'd have to be pretty goddamn smart to figure out that it is working weekends and a perhaps modest parade of similar such Fucked Up Shit you hate and not your job. Because your brain is usually busy telling you that your job is the Fucked Up Shit and not the actual, more limited, real life fucking experiences of working extra hours to catch up. And your brain is telling you this because Fucked Up Shit devotes its whole life to trying to make sure you don't get smart. Because if you get smart, you might make it go away.

So Fucked Up Shit tells your brain - 'Hey brain, life is a series of ideas, concepts, and categories, not experiences, right?' And your brain goes - 'uh, well i'm a brain and i do work with ideas, concepts, and categories so yeah, maybe, i'd buy that, that's an attractive idea, okay.' and Fucked Up Shit says 'yeah, well i notice you are getting pretty peeved about this working on the weekends shit and you are searching about for something to destroy....' and your brain says - 'yeah, i am feeling pretty destructive right now. i am frustrated and unhappy. why, you got something i can destroy?'

And then Fucked Up Shit slithers along like a snake and whispers seductively, 'well i noticed you were going to be upset about working this weekend, but why bother with small potatoes like that. You are such a big, strong, handsome brain, you don't want to waste your time on such a puny adversary. Why not pick on a nice, big concept, idea or category like 'The Job' and go off and slay that dragon. Everyone here in paradise will be so impressed when you do.'

And then your brain feels all flattered and it goes obediently trotting off to try to slay the dragon of your Entire Job, while the snaky Fucked Up Shit lolls around enjoying fresh fruit and mocking You, who have been abandoned by your brain, saying to You in a sing-songy voice 'Hah ha huh ha ha, you have to work this weekend. Hah hah you are such a sucker!' Making you feel very pissed and oppressed. Meanwhile your brain is now off lost in the forest saying to itself - 'Wait a minute! I can't slay the dragon of the Entire Job, that's where we get our fucking paycheck. What was I thinking?' And then it has to comfort itself by saying things like 'Well, if I didn't actually need this job, oh boy then, i'd....oh hoh, i'd quit or something. Oh yes sir, if i wasn't actually at the mercy of my job, oh boy, watch out, then i'd really do something, yes indeedy.'

Meanwhile, you are still working weekends....

Pretty clever little snake.

And now since I feel bad that Fucked Up Shit is abusing you this way, I'll offer up some Special Bonus Tips for beating up Fucked Up Shit and taking that sly little snake and wrapping it around into a knot until it strangles on its own slithery self. That should be fun. So here we go.


Special Bonus Tips - Fucked Up Shit and the Trouncing Thereof....

Let's go beat up some Fucked Up Shit!

First we should devise some principles and strategies. This enhances the pre-mayhem fun. So here we go --

Principle No. 1 - Fucked Up Shit likes to hide.

It likes to hide in big categories where you can't find it - such as - Your Job, Your Life, Your Marriage, Your Miserable Under-Achieving Self, Your Lack of Money, Your Amazing Ability to Fail at Relationships, Your Miserable Talented and Worthy but Completely Unfulfilled Self, Your Miserable Parents, Children, Boss, Neighbors, Boyfriend, Brothers, Sisters, and Acquaintances, and so on and so on.

And since it likes to hide in big categories where you can't find it and even worse can't do a fucking thing about it -- we are going to oh so cleverly implement:

Special Strategy No. 1 - Pretend that life is not a series of concepts, ideas, and categories but a bunch of (occasionally fucking miserable) moments.

Moments and experiences are where Fucked Up Shit likes to hide out. In a bunch of trivial day to day moments and encounters that your brain never even bothers to look at it because it is busy trying to find something more interesting and important-sounding to worry about, like Why You Are A Failure.

Meanwhile, Fucked Up Shit doesn't give a fuck about categories, concepts or ideas so it scouts around for a nest of unpleasant, often recurring moments in your life (such as that stuck in traffic at 7:30 a.m. one, followed by the 'you are late again' one) and it makes itself at home in these moments, gets comfortable, buys furniture, and starts inviting all its friends over for 'How Can We Fuck Up Your Life' parties.

So cleverly and utterly ruthlessly, when we are on the hunt for Fucked Up Shit to root out and kill, we are going to keep our eyes peeled throughout the moments of your life for the ones that you don't like. Doing the laundry. The way your lover rolls over in bed at night with their back pointedly and coldly just out of reach of any part of your body you might lke to touch them with. The way your kids scream and whine about eating their breakfast. How tired you feel when you walk in the door after work. And so on. Etc. Etc. Blah, blah, blah.

Special Procedural Note: Don't do this - don't pay attention to your life unless you are actually in the mood to find out which actual parts of are hiding Fucked Up Shit. It can really fuck up a cozy and functional little system if you are busily and productively blaming everything you don't like about your life on your Unsupportive Husband or Unsupportive Wife and it turns out that Fucked Up Shit is hiding in those moments when you are screaming at someone you are not really mad at because you are feeling insecure. That kind of revelation can be a real bummer if you were actually in the mood for something else.

However, if you accidentally find yourself in the mood to make some Fucked Up Shit stop abusing you and lying to your brain then go ahead and pay attention to the actual moments of your life before leaping into action with Special Strategy No. 2.


well what the fuck is Special Strategy No. 2....


Related Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:

Other People. What are they exactly?


Your Brains! What are they doing in your head?

More FAQs about Fucked Up Shit:

Why doesn't my brain just get smart about Fucked Up Shit? Huh, why?? Why? Why damn you, why?

If I pretend I don't mind Fucked Up Shit will it go away and stop bothering me? In other words, can I make it go away by having a positive attitude? Huh? Can I? Can I? Can I?

Special Vocabulary Word:

You. What do I mean when I talk about You?

Special Bonus Tips


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