Topic o' the
Day - Fucked Up Shit!
up Shit - What the hell is it exactly?
Fucked Up Shit
is one of the primary constituents of life on planet Earth. It consists
of everything about life that you don't like. Or more precisely, anything
you don't like at any given moment. Including things that do like
at other given moments which don't happen to be the moment when you
don't like them. For example--
people. Dogs that bite. Criminals. Cloudy days. The IRS. High consumer
interest rates. Terrorist attacks. Rape. Stupidity. Anxiety, despair,
restlessness and the inability to find your keys. Car theft. Aging.
Cancer. Parents. Children. Loved ones of all sorts. Death. Worry.
Envy, jealousy, greed, hopelessness, unfounded optimism running smack
into predictable disappointment. Dating. Drug addiction. Bad brain
chemistry. Microsoft. Winter. Malfunctioning home appliances. Self-doubt.
Suicide. The inability of the waitress to take your order correctly.
Traffic. Stress. Hatred. Racism. Losing. Failure. Embarrassment. Lack
of mate. Possession of bad mate. Ignorance. Getting lost while camping.
Getting lost while in the parking lot. Fatness and personal ugliness.
High prices. The insufferable egotism of the annoying. Disagreements.
Hurt feelings. Bad movies that cost 9 dollars to see. Watered down
drinks. Car crashes. Injuries. Alzheimer's disease. Republicans. Liberals.
The entire cast of Friends. The tune to "It's a Small World."
Meanness. Killer sharks. Hurricane Andrew. Britney Spears. Politicians.
Your next door neighbors. Getting dumped. And so on. And so on.
OR SO YOU'D THINK......
more complicated than that because Fucked Up Shit is a devious little
sucker and it just wants you think it's very simple. Fucked
Up Shit is not actually any of the things above, it's actually the
tiny little moments of unpleasantness and agony you personally experience
when you and Fucked Up Shit accidentally find yourselves in close
As in the Fucked
Up Shit of getting dumped is not, despite what you'd think, blatantly
out in the open dancing on the tables every time the words 'Getting
Dumped' flash across the screen of your life. No, it's hiding in the
back snickering at you during a whole thoroughly unpleasant series
of moments in which you are saying things to yourself like 'oh fuck
me i am such an idiot, i thought this person liked me. oh god i am
too stupid to live. i am so hideously embarrassed. i am such a fucking
fool. correction - i am a soon to be agonizingly lonely fucking fool.
i hate life. i hate this person. why did i ever think i liked them?
they obviously never liked me.' and so on.
It's not the Shit
that puts the 'Fucked Up' in Fucked Up Shit - it's the experience
of not fucking liking it that puts the Fucked Up in Fucked Up Shit.
In other words, shit's just shit -there's lots of it, good and bad,
it's the experience of fucking hating it that makes it so goddamn
And this gets
confusing when you are trying to root the Fucked Up Shit out of your
life, stomp on it like a bug, smash it into little tiny pieces and
make it go away. Because your brain is specially designed to Think
Big when it comes to Fucked Up Shit. Fucked Up Shit is like a virus
in your system that cleverly induces your brain to look elsewhere
so your brain can't find it and kill it. And therefore it seduces
your brain into identifying big glumps of your life as Fucked Up Shit
so the actual Fucked Up Shit can hide. Like this--
Let's say your
job is cleverly masquerading as Fucked Up Shit. If you work an 8 hour
day or a 40 hour week the Your Job glump is a pretty big glump of
stuff in your life. That's 40 fucking hours a week in which the actual
Fucked Up Shit can hide! From the Fucked Up Shit's point of view it
scores big with this one. From your point of view, the actual Fucked
Up Shit may be various items such as the actual experience of working
on the weekends to catch up. You hate that Fucked Up Shit! You hate
working on the weekends! You hate catching up! Why can't they leave
you alone and give you less work? Why can't you just be uncaught up
and nobody give you any shit about it? Why won't life work that way?
Why won't it? And so on.
However, in many
cases, you'd have to be pretty goddamn smart to figure out that it
is working weekends and a perhaps modest parade of similar such Fucked
Up Shit you hate and not your job. Because your brain is usually busy
telling you that your job is the Fucked Up Shit and not the actual,
more limited, real life fucking experiences of working extra hours
to catch up. And your brain is telling you this because Fucked Up
Shit devotes its whole life to trying to make sure you don't get smart.
Because if you get smart, you might make it go away.
So Fucked Up Shit
tells your brain - 'Hey brain, life is a series of ideas, concepts,
and categories, not experiences, right?' And your brain goes - 'uh,
well i'm a brain and i do work with ideas, concepts, and categories
so yeah, maybe, i'd buy that, that's an attractive idea, okay.' and
Fucked Up Shit says 'yeah, well i notice you are getting pretty peeved
about this working on the weekends shit and you are searching about
for something to destroy....' and your brain says - 'yeah, i am feeling
pretty destructive right now. i am frustrated and unhappy. why, you
got something i can destroy?'
And then Fucked
Up Shit slithers along like a snake and whispers seductively, 'well
i noticed you were going to be upset about working this weekend, but
why bother with small potatoes like that. You are such a big, strong,
handsome brain, you don't want to waste your time on such a puny adversary.
Why not pick on a nice, big concept, idea or category like 'The Job'
and go off and slay that dragon. Everyone here in paradise will be
so impressed when you do.'
And then your
brain feels all flattered and it goes obediently trotting off to try
to slay the dragon of your Entire Job, while the snaky Fucked Up Shit
lolls around enjoying fresh fruit and mocking You, who have been abandoned
by your brain, saying to You in a sing-songy voice 'Hah ha huh ha
ha, you have to work this weekend. Hah hah you are such a sucker!'
Making you feel very pissed and oppressed. Meanwhile your brain is
now off lost in the forest saying to itself - 'Wait a minute! I can't
slay the dragon of the Entire Job, that's where we get our fucking
paycheck. What was I thinking?' And then it has to comfort itself
by saying things like 'Well, if I didn't actually need this job, oh
boy then, i'd....oh hoh, i'd quit or something. Oh yes sir, if i wasn't
actually at the mercy of my job, oh boy, watch out, then i'd really
do something, yes indeedy.'
Meanwhile, you are still working weekends....
And now since
I feel bad that Fucked Up Shit is abusing you this way, I'll offer
up some Special Bonus Tips for beating up Fucked Up Shit and taking
that sly little snake and wrapping it around into a knot until it
strangles on its own slithery self. That should be fun. So here we
Bonus Tips - Fucked Up Shit and the Trouncing Thereof....
go beat up some Fucked Up Shit!
First we should
devise some principles and strategies. This enhances the pre-mayhem
fun. So here we go --
No. 1 - Fucked Up Shit likes to hide.
likes to hide in big categories where you can't find it - such
as - Your Job, Your Life, Your Marriage, Your Miserable Under-Achieving
Self, Your Lack of Money, Your Amazing Ability to Fail at Relationships,
Your Miserable Talented and Worthy but Completely Unfulfilled
Self, Your Miserable Parents, Children, Boss, Neighbors, Boyfriend,
Brothers, Sisters, and Acquaintances, and so on and so on.
it likes to hide in big categories where you can't find it and
even worse can't do a fucking thing about it -- we are going to
oh so cleverly implement:
Strategy No. 1 - Pretend that life is not a series of concepts,
ideas, and categories but a bunch of (occasionally fucking miserable)
and experiences are where Fucked Up Shit likes to hide out.
In a bunch of trivial day to day moments and encounters that
your brain never even bothers to look at it because it is busy
trying to find something more interesting and important-sounding
to worry about, like Why You Are A Failure.
Fucked Up Shit doesn't give a fuck about categories, concepts
or ideas so it scouts around for a nest of unpleasant, often
recurring moments in your life (such as that stuck in traffic
at 7:30 a.m. one, followed by the 'you are late again' one)
and it makes itself at home in these moments, gets comfortable,
buys furniture, and starts inviting all its friends over for
'How Can We Fuck Up Your Life' parties.
cleverly and utterly ruthlessly, when we are on the hunt for Fucked
Up Shit to root out and kill, we are going to keep our eyes peeled
throughout the moments of your life for the ones that you don't
like. Doing the laundry. The way your lover rolls over in bed at
night with their back pointedly and coldly just out of reach of
any part of your body you might lke to touch them with. The way
your kids scream and whine about eating their breakfast. How tired
you feel when you walk in the door after work. And so on. Etc. Etc.
Blah, blah, blah.
Procedural Note: Don't do this - don't pay attention to your
life unless you are actually in the mood to find out which actual
parts of are hiding Fucked Up Shit. It can really fuck up a cozy
and functional little system if you are busily and productively
blaming everything you don't like about your life on your Unsupportive
Husband or Unsupportive Wife and it turns out that Fucked Up Shit
is hiding in those moments when you are screaming at someone you
are not really mad at because you are feeling insecure. That kind
of revelation can be a real bummer if you were actually in the
mood for something else.
you accidentally find yourself in the mood to make some Fucked
Up Shit stop abusing you and lying to your brain then go ahead
and pay attention to the actual moments of your life before leaping
into action with Special Strategy No. 2.
what the fuck is Special Strategy No. 2....
Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:
People. What are they exactly?
Brains! What are they doing
in your head?
FAQs about Fucked Up Shit:
doesn't my brain just get smart about Fucked Up Shit? Huh, why?? Why?
Why damn you, why?
I pretend I don't mind Fucked Up Shit will it go away and stop bothering
me? In other words, can I make it go away by having a positive attitude?
Huh? Can I? Can I? Can I?
What do I mean when I talk about You?
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