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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Now that's some Fucked Up Shit!

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Special Strategy No. 2 - Attack the moments, not the category.

Oh you are so fucking smart to implement this one, it's a wonder anyone can stand you. But there you go. You find the actual moment(s) of your life that you hate and you start circling around them, eyeing them speculatively, probing their weaknesses, until you suddenly dart forward for the kill!

For example, let's say the actual moment of your life that you hate, the Fucked Up Shit you want to complain about (please do!) is waking up in the morning. Oh so cleverly and precisely, you have pared it down, stripping away the various guises that your adversaries wear until you have narrowed down the hated moment to waking up - not getting up - waking up.

When you started, you just hated the whole fucking concept of morning (and I am with you on that one). But then you realized that mornings weren't actually so bad once they started looking more like afternoon. It was their initial parts that were so damn unpleasant.

And then you used your big brain and your attentiveness skills to realize that the thing about the beginning of morning that you didn't like was that this was when you got up. And you felt yourself to be generally not in favor of the idea. But being the ruthless type that you are, you continued to probe for weaknesses in the morning concept and you realized that getting up was not a problem, once you had woken up. It was that extremely irritating prior process of waking up that bothered you so much. And then you realized that the major irritating part of waking up was that goddamn fucking alarm! It's horrible. And it goes off so early!

So you studied the alarm, considered smashing it against the wall, hesitated, thinking that if you did so, you might never get up again. And then you cleverly experimented with turning the volume down, moving it closer or farther away, setting it at a different time, having your significant other wake you up instead, setting your own internal alarm clock so you wouldn't be startled by the goddamn thing blaring Rick Dees at you, and finally you settled on a system (much to your amazement) in which you told yourself each night before attempting to go to sleep that you were going to wake up fifteen minutes before the alarm went off and you were going to lie there doing nothing, no loud noises, nothing startling, just lie there getting warmed up to the idea of awakeness and opposed to asleepness and as a result of that decision and practice nine fucking times out of ten, you now have that delicious sleeping in kind of a feeling as you just lie there having nothing to do for fifteen minutes all relaxed and so on. And you never thought you could achieve this because you fucking hate mornings! And you always have. But now you have cleverly found a way around that and your best bet is to gloat frequently to yourself but keep it a secret or people will try to make you pop out of bed even earlier than you already do and furthermore be all energetic like they are - fuck 'em.

Special Procedural Note: It takes time and cleverness to defeat Fucked Up Shit. It may require practice, resourcefulness and luck. It may take many attempts and some temporary setbacks before you conquer the Fucked Up Shit moments of your morning. There may be Practical Considerations. But once Fucked Up Shit is discovered, hiding perhaps in the morning voice of Rick Dees or some other equally morning type disk jockey, Fucked Up Shit will cower and melt like the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz. It hates to be discovered. And you will hear Rick Dees screaming 'I'm melting! I'm being turned off and turned down! Oh my beautiful grating noisiness is being destroyed by a mere mortal. I'm melting!!!' And so on. It's pretty pathetic actually but kind of satisfying to hear Fucked Up Shit screaming for its life.

And that brings us to Special Strategy No. 3:

Special Strategy No. 3: Once you have identified some Fucked Up Shit in your life, look it in the eye and say very firmly: "Now that's some Fucked Up Shit!"

For example, when your dryer breaks with all your wet clothes in it, there will be a moment of discovery in which you encounter all your wet clothes not being dried. This is the Fucked Up Shit moment in which you say to yourself 'Shit! The dryer's broken. Now I'm going to have to get it fixed! What a goddamn pain in the ass. This is going to cost money. My clothes are wet.' And so on. This is the moment when you look the dryer firmly in the eye and say to it 'Now that's some Fucked Up Shit!' This will make your dryer feel bad and you feel better.

Special Strategy No. 3 is a very very important life strategy. Use it often. Whenever you encounter a Fucked Up Shit moment. What this does in your life is put the Fucked Up Shit in your life on notice that it can't sneak around behind your back having its way and throwing How Can We Fuck Up Your Life parties with its friends. It forces Fucked Up Shit to slink around dejectedly saying things like 'I was only joking. I wasn't really going to ruin your entire life by breaking the dryer. Had you going there for a minute though, didn't I?' To which you will reply: 'Good one, Fucked Up Shit. You did indeed have me going there for a moment of frustrated, helpless rage and wet clothes irritation. But I am the one laughing now, Hah hah because I have identified you and now you can't sneak into some big category like This Useless Fucking House - Why Does Everything Break All the Goddamn Fucking Time?!'

And then the two of you will share a good, comradely, hearty laugh because it did indeed sneak into that category before you grabbed it by the collar and pulled it out. But since you defeated it, it respects you and eventually you two will be sharing beers and swapping stories. Fucked Up Shit will stop thinking you are such a wuss and you in turn will start respecting it for its audacity. You and Fucked Up Shit will in fact become bonded and find yourselves there for each other in good times and bad - it will never go away, life is not meant to be free of Fucked Up Shit, but you will work together on your life like combat buddies and the whole thing will just become so goddamn sentimental that one day you will be on TV or being interviewed for Oil Pipefitters Quarterly, reminiscing about some of your favorite Fucked Up Shit and everyone will be laughing hilariously yet all respectful and impressed by your war stories.

The Now There's Some Fucked Up Shit! technique forces Fucked Up Shit into the places where it belongs, limited if hellacious moments, and out of places where it doesn't belong, like the overarching explanation of Why You Will Never Find True Love.

And since Three Special Strategies is enough for one day, we are going to skip any more happily ever after part and go straight to the Special Bonus Section "Tactics of the Enemy: Some of Fucked Up Shit's Favorite Ploys".

Evil Tactics of Fucked Up Shit....

 

Related Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:

Other People. What are they exactly?

Emotions!

More FAQs about Fucked Up Shit:

Why doesn't my brain just get smart about Fucked Up Shit? Huh, why?? Why? Why damn you, why?

If I pretend I don't mind Fucked Up Shit will it go away and stop bothering me? In other words, can I make it go away by having a positive attitude? Huh? Can I? Can I? Can I?

And now some good things about Fucked Up Shit....

Special Vocabulary Words:

You. What do I mean when I talk about You?

Practical Considerations

Fucked Up Shit. What is it exactly?

Tactics of the Enemy

Disclaimers:

The I am Making This Up Disclaimer

The Scientific Disclaimer

The I Don't Know What I Am Talking About Disclaimer

The This is No Substitute for Professional Help Disclaimer

The Don't Sue Me Unless You Really Really Really Want to Disclaimer

The This Site is Not Endorsed by Anyone Disclaimer

 

Bonus! Your FAQ here

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