Strategy No. 2 - Attack the moments, not the category.
Oh you are so
fucking smart to implement this one, it's a wonder anyone can stand
you. But there you go. You find the actual moment(s) of your life
that you hate and you start circling around them, eyeing them speculatively,
probing their weaknesses, until you suddenly dart forward for the
For example, let's
say the actual moment of your life that you hate, the Fucked Up Shit
you want to complain about (please do!) is waking up in the morning.
Oh so cleverly and precisely, you have pared it down, stripping away
the various guises that your adversaries wear until you have narrowed
down the hated moment to waking up - not getting up - waking up.
When you started,
you just hated the whole fucking concept of morning (and I am with
you on that one). But then you realized that mornings weren't actually
so bad once they started looking more like afternoon. It was their
initial parts that were so damn unpleasant.
And then you used
your big brain and your attentiveness skills to realize that the thing
about the beginning of morning that you didn't like was that this
was when you got up. And you felt yourself to be generally not
in favor of the idea. But being the ruthless type that you are, you
continued to probe for weaknesses in the morning concept and you realized
that getting up was not a problem, once you had woken up. It was that
extremely irritating prior process of waking up that bothered you
so much. And then you realized that the major irritating part of waking
up was that goddamn fucking alarm! It's horrible. And it goes off
So you studied
the alarm, considered smashing it against the wall, hesitated, thinking
that if you did so, you might never get up again. And then
you cleverly experimented with turning the volume down, moving it
closer or farther away, setting it at a different time, having your
significant other wake you up instead, setting your own internal alarm
clock so you wouldn't be startled by the goddamn thing blaring Rick
Dees at you, and finally you settled on a system (much to your amazement)
in which you told yourself each night before attempting to go to sleep
that you were going to wake up fifteen minutes before the alarm went
off and you were going to lie there doing nothing, no loud noises,
nothing startling, just lie there getting warmed up to the idea of
awakeness and opposed to asleepness and as a result of that decision
and practice nine fucking times out of ten, you now have that delicious
sleeping in kind of a feeling as you just lie there having nothing
to do for fifteen minutes all relaxed and so on. And you never thought
you could achieve this because you fucking hate mornings! And you
always have. But now you have cleverly found a way around that and
your best bet is to gloat frequently to yourself but keep it a secret
or people will try to make you pop out of bed even earlier than you
already do and furthermore be all energetic like they are - fuck 'em.
Note: It takes time and cleverness to defeat Fucked Up Shit. It
may require practice, resourcefulness and luck. It may take many attempts
and some temporary setbacks before you conquer the Fucked Up Shit
moments of your morning. There may be Practical Considerations. But
once Fucked Up Shit is discovered, hiding perhaps in the morning voice
of Rick Dees or some other equally morning type disk jockey, Fucked
Up Shit will cower and melt like the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of
Oz. It hates to be discovered. And you will hear Rick Dees screaming
'I'm melting! I'm being turned off and turned down! Oh my beautiful
grating noisiness is being destroyed by a mere mortal. I'm melting!!!'
And so on. It's pretty pathetic actually but kind of satisfying to
hear Fucked Up Shit screaming for its life.
And that brings
us to Special Strategy No. 3:
Strategy No. 3: Once you have identified some Fucked Up Shit in your
life, look it in the eye and say very firmly: "Now that's some
Fucked Up Shit!"
For example, when
your dryer breaks with all your wet clothes in it, there will be a
moment of discovery in which you encounter all your wet clothes not
being dried. This is the Fucked Up Shit moment in which you say to
yourself 'Shit! The dryer's broken. Now I'm going to have to get it
fixed! What a goddamn pain in the ass. This is going to cost money.
My clothes are wet.' And so on. This is the moment when you look the
dryer firmly in the eye and say to it 'Now that's some Fucked Up Shit!'
This will make your dryer feel bad and you feel better.
No. 3 is a very very important life strategy. Use it often. Whenever
you encounter a Fucked Up Shit moment. What this does in your life
is put the Fucked Up Shit in your life on notice that it can't sneak
around behind your back having its way and throwing How Can We Fuck
Up Your Life parties with its friends. It forces Fucked Up Shit to
slink around dejectedly saying things like 'I was only joking. I wasn't
really going to ruin your entire life by breaking the dryer. Had you
going there for a minute though, didn't I?' To which you will reply:
'Good one, Fucked Up Shit. You did indeed have me going there for
a moment of frustrated, helpless rage and wet clothes irritation.
But I am the one laughing now, Hah hah because I have identified you
and now you can't sneak into some big category like This Useless Fucking
House - Why Does Everything Break All the Goddamn Fucking Time?!'
And then the two
of you will share a good, comradely, hearty laugh because it did indeed
sneak into that category before you grabbed it by the collar and pulled
it out. But since you defeated it, it respects you and eventually
you two will be sharing beers and swapping stories. Fucked Up Shit
will stop thinking you are such a wuss and you in turn will start
respecting it for its audacity. You and Fucked Up Shit will in fact
become bonded and find yourselves there for each other in good times
and bad - it will never go away, life is not meant to be free of Fucked
Up Shit, but you will work together on your life like combat buddies
and the whole thing will just become so goddamn sentimental that one
day you will be on TV or being interviewed for Oil Pipefitters Quarterly,
reminiscing about some of your favorite Fucked Up Shit and everyone
will be laughing hilariously yet all respectful and impressed by your
The Now There's
Some Fucked Up Shit! technique forces Fucked Up Shit into the places
where it belongs, limited if hellacious moments, and out of places
where it doesn't belong, like the overarching explanation of Why You
Will Never Find True Love.
And since Three
Special Strategies is enough for one day, we are going to skip any
more happily ever after part and go straight to the Special Bonus
Section "Tactics of the Enemy: Some of Fucked Up Shit's Favorite
Evil Tactics of Fucked Up Shit....
Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:
People. What are they exactly?
FAQs about Fucked Up Shit:
doesn't my brain just get smart about Fucked Up Shit? Huh, why?? Why?
Why damn you, why?
I pretend I don't mind Fucked Up Shit will it go away and stop bothering
me? In other words, can I make it go away by having a positive attitude?
Huh? Can I? Can I? Can I?
now some good things about Fucked Up Shit....
What do I mean when I talk about You?
Up Shit. What is it exactly?
of the Enemy
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