Special Bonus Tip!:
If freaking out about scarcity and not-enoughness is just a little
too tiring for your taste, then try this handy soothing lullaby for
your worried Social Brain: 'Sssh, sssh. It'll be fine. There are plenty
of rental cars. This is America. It'll be all right. There's plenty,
there's plenty. Don't worry, don't worry.' Or whatever it is your
Social Brain is worried there isn't enough of.
Show Your Social
Brain that You are a Good Judge Of Scarcity by reassuring it when
appropriate and then when things really do seem to be running out,
letting it know you'll handle the situation. For example tell it -
'hmmm, there does indeed to seem to be a shortage of tickets to [Insert
Name of Ridiculously Overpriced Concert Here] but there is no
reason to panic. I would certainly like to get my hands on a pair
of those Ridiculously Overpriced Concert Tickets and with some
serious determination and creative thought I intend to do just that.'
Say this in an intrepid and heroic voice and your Social Brain will
worship you like a little kid and follow you around everywhere trying
to make helpful suggestions on how to get those concert tickets. The
Social Brain's just a big scaredy-cat, much more bark than bite (to
mix metaphors). It says some really really terrible things about Life
and About Other People but it doesn't really mean them most of the
time - what it means is Help me Mommy! Or help me God! Or help me
anybody! I don't want to die of Scarcity because some big mean Other
Clump overran my clump's territory and started eating all our food.
On a larger scale,
if you don't feel like putting up with the Social Brain's Fear Of
Peace antics, then when war does indeed seem to be looming on the
horizon, consider whether or not there is really a danger or a scarcity
situation that needs to be addressed. If there is, bite the bullet
and address that sucker. If there isn't, advocate for another solution
to the apparent problem.
If Other People's
Fear of Peace Social Brains are getting on your nerves, then turn
around and look at all the anxious people advocating for war and say
very very firmly and authoritatively 'Oh for Chrissakes, stop being
such fucking crybabies. I swear to God you people have the wussiest,
scaredest fucking Social Brains in the entire world. Grow up, for
Chrissakes. If there was an actual emergency, danger, or shortage
crisis, someone with actual intelligence would tell you. Until
then, shut the fuck up, go home, huddle fearfully around your television
set, buy a big load of fucking duct tape and seal your windows and
leave me and everybody else who is a good judge of danger the fuck
alone.' Next, mutter to yourself, 'this is what happens when the inmates
start running the asylum.' After that, run like fucking hell!
Because there is nobody more vicious than someone with a scared Social
Brain and those war people are gonna want to kill you. They are already
in the mood to kill somebody and damn aren't you conveniently close.
On the other hand,
if you are a war person, everytime someone questions your opinion
announce in a very loud and injured tone 'I am too a good judge
of danger, crisis, scarcity, and doom. And I just happen to believe
those things are all very immiment and consequently I am frightened
of and opposed to peace.' Then when nobody understands what the fuck
you're talking about - start screaming 'You fucking pansy-ass peace-loving
idiot! You are so stupid! Those [insert name of dangerous Other
Clump Here] are dangerous! They want to fucking kill us! Fucking ignorant
ass vegetarian peace people like you are an immediate danger to me,
my family, my country, and everthing I love! You're going to get us
all killed! But I'm going to fucking kill you first, you unpatriotic
commie pig! People like you should be wiped off the earth!'
Blow a gasket - it's an emotional issue, you might as well. (Remember
to take your stroke medicine first!)
You and the peace
people - or you and the war people, depending which side you're on,
are just having a little Danger Assessment Argument. Everyone
who doesn't agree with you is not only stupid but presents an immediate
danger to you personally - either with their idiotic insistence on
starting a war which will fucking kill people, or with their idiotic
insistence on ignoring a danger which will fucking kill people. This
is why these things get heated. Nothing gets more heated than an argument
over Interpretation of the Facts. Arguments over Interpretation
of the Facts are one of the very most basic Human Evolutionary Survival
Tools. Sometimes the peace people are right and sometimes the war
people are right. Either way, lives are at stake and being wrong and
stupid is going to kill people. Only problem is - how to determine
which people are wrong and stupid?
In the US, we
supposedly go with the Majority Rules principle. In actuality,
we go with the Scream At Each Other Until Everyone Is Upset and
the Government Does Something Even If It Is Very Stupid principle.
Meanwhile, back
at the ranch, everyone's Social Brain is still busy being a Social
Brain, neglecting to tell anyone that it is just a Social Brain, instead
swearing on a stack of Bibles that it is the Oracle of Truth
and if it's telling you either peace or war it must be right because
why would it lie to you, it's always right, it's your brain. And so
there you are being suckered in by a Social Brain just doing its job,
trying to upset you, and succeeding.
Take its concerns
about scarcity and danger seriously - but not necessarily its nasty
comments about Other People and Other Clumps. Solve the scarcity
and danger problems and the little sucker will pipe down and start
sucking its thumb contentedly. Sometimes it will even profusely apologize.
Your Social Brain is not just a Scarcity-Fearing Machine - it does
also contain the Rodney King module and it really would prefer to
just get along with everyone. Particularly because getting along tells
it There is Enough to Go Around. A winning situation for everyone!
To recap - Social
Brain Principle #1: Make your Social Brain happy by accurately assessing
and dealing with the real problems of danger and scarcity. Take
aim at shortages and scarcity and fear and watch that brain bloom
like a beautiful flower. In your own life and everyone else's. It
loves abundance! Lavish abundance on it and watch it turn on the
happy nice sharing valve and bounce around singing 'Oh What a Beautiful
Morning' until you are forced to tell it to calm down.
If the entire
fucking world's got its panties in a wad, which it is prone to do,
advocate for abundance everywhere you can. Forget peace, advocate
for abundance. Vigorously encourage plentiness for everyone, including
you. Scarcity, hoarding, fear, and greed only make things worse. They
rile up the Social Brain like nobody's business. They seem like the
logical responses to shortage and indeed sometimes they are - but
your Social Brain and everyone else's would still really prefer
that there was just fucking enough for everybody - and that it
didn't have to worry.
You, me, and the
world are not going to achieve this any time soon, worldwide enoughness,
but we can still be in favor of it. You, me, and the rest of the world
are undoubtedly going to be too lazy and fearful to implement enoughness
efforts 24/7, but what the hell we can implement them sometimes and
that will help.
Meanwhile, when
Other People's Social Brains are pissing you off really bad, you will
have a little head start on devising a workaround if you remember
that people don't react this way because they just suddenly decided
to be stupid but because they're hard-wired for fear and the fears
seem quite legitimate. Their anxious little Social Brains are staring
wide-eyed at what they believe is potential life-threatening scarcity.
Or life-threatening stupid aggression. This sort of realization can
really mellow you out - Other People are not bad people - they
are people who need to be reassured.
On the other hand,
often Other People will still piss you off, and they should, after
all if they fuck things up it can end up being really dicey for you
- but at least you'll remember where their vulnerabilities are. This
will help a lot when you need to scream at them and call them
names! Intelligence and insight can make the screaming name-calling
process even more fun and upsetting!
To recap: If you
want to solve the problem as best you can, throw resources and
reassurance at the fearful and send Social Brain decodable signals
at them.
To take a current
example, if George Bush for some unknown reason wanted to make people
in the US and around the world feel better (instead of frightening
them into upset camps of people screaming on the one hand: 'He's a
goddamn idiot! He's danger-fucking assessment impaired! He's going
to fuck up the entire fucking world! We're all fucking doomed! There's
a certifiable moron at the helm of the US! Oh god, fuck me! Fuck us
all! We're so screwed! SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!' and on the other hand:
"We're in danger! We're in danger! Someone's in danger! The Iraqis
are dangerous to someone maybe even me! Oh my god! We need a fucking
war! What if there's not enough oil! Why can't people perceive the
terrible danger that MUST BE ADDRESSED BY WAR NOW?!' and so on.
If Bush wanted
to foment something other than fear he would say in a John Wayne voice,
very reassuringly, 'Looks like there's a little danger problem in
that there Iraqi nation. Gonna be a little difficult to make it go
away, but everybody hunker down and hold your horses while me and
the cavalry go in there and fix it. Shouldn't take long. You all wait
back at camp and be patient. Nothing we can't deal with.'
He'd run around
reassuring the world, 'we've got resources, resources for everybody,
hold on, don't get too nervous here, just fixing a little danger situation.'
And when they started hyperventilating things like 'destablizing the
entire Middle East! Increased terrorism danger! Revenge danger! Sovereignity
and respect danger!' he'd say things like 'now would we do something
silly like destabilizing the Middle East and putting all you fine
folks that the American people so respect in danger? Of course not,
now just don't worry your pretty little heads and sign right here
on UN Resolution Number Something. Everything's going to be just fine.'
And the other countries would and everyone in the US would pipe down
and people would put their peace protests signs down because let's
face it, it's hard to be scared when someone is being so goddamned
reassuring.
Mr. Bush, as it
turns out though, actually likes stirring up fear much better than
stirring up reassurance and so he is extremely busy being very successful
at scaring the shit out of everyone around the world, friends and
enemies alike. Mr. Bush has a very very active Fear of Peace Social
Brain. And he is faithfully and obediently carrying out its instructions
to communicate in a not necessarily rational but certainly effective
Very Alarming Manner. If you are fond of Mr. Bush's Fear of
Peace Social Brain now is a good time to hunker down and make yourself
as cozy and safe-feeling as possible behind his strong 'We'll fucking
kill 'em if they pose a danger' leadership and that big strong handsome
American military with its big strong handsome fighter planes. Good
times!
If you despise
Mr. Bush's very active Fear of Peace Social Brain because you have
a little Danger Assessment Interpretation of the Facts disagreement
going on with him, now is a good time to get your guts in a knot and
start desperately communicating reassurance, abundance, and Facts
That Do Not Indicate Danger to everyone you can possibly meet
until you have calmed someone down, possibly yourself. Alternatively,
of course, you can run around screaming 'He's going to ruin the entire
fucking world!'
Meanwhile, you
may not be interested in world events. You may only be interested
in your own events. So we'll personalize the Throwing Resources and
Reassurance Principle down to a you-sized level. Let's say Other People
are treating you like you belong to some dangerous resource-stealing
racially different clump, here's what you do. Let them know that you're
not representing A Foreign Hungry Clump but instead a friendly happy
non-dangerous resources-bearing clump and watch their little Social
Brains melt and start saying things like 'Really? For me? You know,
I always liked you people and I stuck up for you when everyone else
was bad-mouthing you.' Patronizing but predictable.
Take a cue from
ancient kings who always brought massive quantities of useless but
impressive gold stuff whenever they visited Another Clump. They
weren't just throwing that gold and jewelry-encrusted shit around
for their own fucking amusement - they were doing it to send shiny
signals to their hosts' Social Brains that they weren't A Hungry Clump
- no siree bob, they were a happy friendly family resources-bearing
clump. Would A Hungry Clump be giving away shit like this for free?
Of course not. And ironically, this little signal that golly no folks,
we are not in a resource-shortage environment here, no, no, we are
back in Garden of Eden-land, this little signal is exactly what triggered
the Share and Share Alike Response in the receiving clump.
And thus trading partnerships and alliances and so on were born. (Only
to be betrayed later, but that's another story.)
Special Bonus
Tip Repeated!: Remember this principle in your everyday life because
the human Social Brain is still the same. Polish up those gold and
jewelry-encrusted shit bearing skills and you'll be triggering that
Share and Share Alike Response everywhere you go!
But enough about
ranting and raving about scarcity and stupidity and ancient kings
and ridiculous displays of wealth. Back to our story - the story of
you in evolutionary fairy-tale land staring wide-eyed at A Hungry
Clump.
Since sharing
and sharing alike didn't work for you in that situation what about
Option #2?
What's
behind Door #2? War? Something worse? Something better?
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